If you want to know how Miyesha set the Bridezillas speed record for credibility loss, one needn’t look further than the first quote out her mouth after they show her booting the TV crew out of the limo on the way to the wedding:
“I’m probably by far the best looking and classiest Bridezilla ever. I’m very ‘Beyonce-fabulous.'”
Read those words slowly. Look back up at the top picture. Revel in the disconnect with reality.
Anyway, about 15 people bailed from the wedding for Brian’s aunt’s funeral and another five backed out for other reasons. She’s carrying on about how people value mourning a lost life than mourning the one Brian will lose when he marries this cretin.
Miyesha then hands out “Bridesmaid’s Oaths” to ensure that “it’s Miyesha on their minds from when they wake up to when they go to bed.”
As they’re reading these oath lines aloud, this chick stops them midsentence when she doesn’t see one of the five victim’s lips moving. Then, they get to putting butter mints and water bottles into the guests’ gift bags.
It’s at this point where they question must be considered: Is she uglier inside or out? Mull that over our intermission break:
Ok, back for the bridesmaids-dress trying-on affair. She’s concerned with nipples by necks and sisters with tats all over they backs and how her maid of honor should stuff her bra to move up “like two cup sizes.” There is a leak issue involved as well and we needn’t delve too deeply into that one.
Her wedding dress don’t fit no more because she keeps dropping points in a pre-wedding diet effort.
“Are you feeling Beyonce? Because you ain’t lookin’ it,” says bridesmaid Alvina (sp?). “Miyesha is gonna pop a blood vessel — you know, the lines on her head, if she keeps on with it.”
Alvina makes a great point. We’ll learn more next week.
Bridezilla Amanda‘s back on. Though portrayed as wackadoodle, there’s a charm there that transcends, say, Miyesha.
Her man Steven’s all, like, yeah, people say she’s nuts, but I don’t know what goes on in her head. “There’s something wrong with that girl,” he says. “She need help.”
“Princess Beautiful Amanda” is how she’s wording her name during their vow-writing-via-smartphone segment. “Steven’s no fun; he’s like a fart,” is how she refers to him.
Onto the food-tasting, Amanda discovers a tomato that wasn’t as pretty as she likes tomatoes to be. So she throws it at Steven, who says he’s embarrassed to be with her at this moment. Bro, man the fuck up. There’s a reason you dig this craydy and I presume they ain’t showing it on WeTV, nahmean?
Onto the joint bachelor/bachelorette party. That construct totally blows. As Steven justifiably points out, he can’t go to the strip club with his boys. At least a pair of bridesmaids start kissing and grinding. On each other. Look:
Upset that all attention isn’t on her, Amanda then tries to pick fights unsuccessfully.
Next day, which is her wedding day, she’s all hungover and fawning over Steven’s friend, who she deems as perfect and totes better than the man she’s about to marry. His name is James. And he “didn’t expect to be her personal assistant for the day” moments before she proposes they should run off and get married.
Yo, she looks real ragged too, yo. Like, out at the late-90s Princeton until after closing and all shriveled up on the deck around 8 a.m., not knowing how she got home. O AN SHE ANGRY.
Blah. Blah. Blah. They get married, discuss how bad one another’s breath is during the post-vow Zillasview and pose for photos. Then, she flips the fuck out because it’s taking too long to introduce the wedding party and they’re already started serving food and she’s “tired of being nice,” so she does this:
Fine. I can tell when I’m not wanted. Later.