The most damning aspect of the #BZBootCamp season finale is this: The biggest drama that producers/contestants/show-runners could concoct was…
• The guys going out, getting fruity-shot hammered the night before their vow-renewal ceremonies,
• the wives Nancy Drewing their way into figuring out the guys going out sans wedding rings
• Fake Twitter Follower Enthusiast Rob Maaddi whining about how he had a joint bachelor party in Old City Philadelphia — quadrant of douchebros and douchettes from across the Delaware Valley — so he gave a lapdance to chick who looks like Jame Gumb with tits
• All-Drunked up Chris bean spilling about the DJ Bigg Slim spinned/spunned partay as Fake Twitter Follower Enthusiast/annoying harpie Remy Maaddi grills FTFE Rob about the attractiveness of Jame Gumb with tits (and almost being able to pull off an act as if this wasn’t an act)
• Debbie Gibson dressing All-Drunked-Up Chris down for continuing to drink at the house after all this chaos (and threatening to dime the dimer out after he privately bean-spilled), which is pretty much the worst — the threats, not the continued boozing.
That’s it. Because anybody who watched any of this show knows that all four remaining couples will exchange rings at the end of this hour. This, despite the fact that counselor/guard Dana Hamman says “anything could happen after last night.” Maybe so from their insulated-on-set perspective; not in the real world.
I wonder whether they yet realized the FTFEs were in the manse solely to land a spinoff show, and that their acquisition of said spinoff show rewards deception and validates famewhorishness. FTFE Rob is the quintessential jitbag.
Anyway, Danni starts talking about how she learned to let go of the anger, Debbie Gibson realizes she came in “with a horrible attitude” and let go of that, Kirsten notes how she can channel energy into strength, and FTFE Remy says something or other, but I’m so disinterested that I can’t recall a single word of it.
Torn-up hungover Chris is deep talking it, but you know there’s gonna be a ring in his box and a ring in her box and they’re going to recite whatever this goofy reinforcing-vows mantra which ends with “you may now kiss your Bridezilla.”
Danni/Marlon, Kirsten/Seth, Chris/Debbie-Gibson, congrats for surviving this heart-wrenching life challenge. (If you’re now free of contractual obligations, you’re free to write about your experiences on said Bootcamp on this here page; just email me at hickey [at] brianphickey [dot] com.)
