Oh hello. A new season of Dating Naked started this week. This season, they have “keeper” noodz whereby each week, they choose one of two candidates for retention in the Phillippines.
The naked lady’s name is Kerri. She’s originally from Ohio, but now lives in Florida. Think about that for a minute. She’s an attractive, naked blonde manifestation of the “Florida or Ohio” game!
The naked bro’s name is Chris. He’s from Cali by way of Connecticut. Who cares.
In the introductory phase of the episode, Kerri explains that she once got hit by a car while rollerblading at Bowling Green University. This resonates. I’m glad Kerri recovered. I’m rooting for her to find love real good now.
Anyway, she’s already angling for a kiss from Naked Guy on the first date, but this lust went unrequited. Chris is mean.
Onto the dates.
“Let’s shake hands after I smash my tits on you,” says L.A. Jenny, after introductorily smashing her tits on Chris. She portrays Wonder Woman at Comic Con and describes herself thusly:
Anyway, she makes mention of the fact that she’s heard her mother giving her father blowjobs through the wall. Hearing it through the wall; not in a Biblical gloryhole sense.
Kerri’s date is Naked Norman of Chicago. He teaches yoga and fitness things. He’s here “to experiment.” He does various stretches to find out how flexible Kerry is. He says this on camera. Naked Kerri ain’t feelin’ it.
When the pairs meet for togetherness time, Jenny sticks a crazy straw in her butt. This happened after she climbed on the pool table. This happened before Kerri and Chris kiss when out of their dates’ fields of vision.
From there, it’s onto their second dates:
— Angie from Houston, Texas, an “independent, strong woman” who is “looking for a man, not a bitch.”
— Louie from Brooklyn. I’ll let him take it from here:
Kerri likes the Meat Manager’s abs. He’s quite Italian-American. He worries that Kerri doesn’t know about “Sunday sauce.” He drops a lotta F bombs. She worries that he’s a bit too much even before he says he’d kill somebody who was grinding on her at a club in his presence. Still, “there’s a vibe going on; we just meshed,” confides Naked Kerri to the camera.
Chris admits to Angie that he’s never seen Ghost but thinks the late Patrick Swayze “is a stud.”
Keeper selection time!
Norman is wearing shorts at the ceremony; something happened to his dong while stretching naked in the sand.
Kerri keeps the Meat Manager. Chris keeps Angie, and the 13-year-old in a titty suit gets all ornery about it. Says she wasn’t gonna stay anyway and that she and Norman are gonna head back to L.A. together for banging purposes.