If ratings fueled by lascivious viewer urgings are the true aim of VH1’s “Dating Naked,” episode three will stand the test of time as an overt example thereof.
With all due respect to competitors past, Diane of New York sets a high bar in this regard. (And I’m sure lady viewers will say the same of Keegan of Rahway, NJ). I won’t blogogle, though.
I’ll just say: The pure air of vulnerability that Diane’s expressions give off pierce a viewer’s soul. She is seemingly here for the right reasons and doesn’t shield it behind an attractiveness that could be wielded like a shield.
Keegan does not see this, though. Because he’s mopish. He checks out halfway through their first naked date, a get-together in which SHE catches dinner while naked spearfishing off the Dating Naked Isle.
From there, Diane is subjected to skinny constant-talker Dan, who has “been in a total of zero relationships” but is no longer a virgin. Yay!!! God, he won’t fucking shut up. This poor lady Diane has drawn two bad matches so far (though she digs Dan’s gentlemanliness).
Dan “got more attractive as the day went on,” she says, moments before he’s never tasted alcohol. So, perhaps only one bad match. Stay tuned!
Keegan draws Jessie, who is “extremely comfortable in my own skin.” As with Diane, the boredom emitted by Keegan is palpable within moments of their initial meeting. When they’re applying mud to one another’s bodies …
… they cut away to him saying how he likes naked bodies. Then he gets aroused during the mud application. Laughs all around.
It’s funny when they show Keegan try to construct words into coherent sentences. While he can complete said task, it never seems easy. Keegan starts mocking Dan; both Diane and Jessie sense this. He has the emotional maturing of a junior in high school. No matter how many hours one spends in the gym, this is a detriment to those seeking a woman of any intellectual substance. Which Keegan probably isn’t. So whatever.
Anyway, date threes!
Katie is next up for the brain-challenged meatbag. As we know from the previews, she’s loco.
He thinks that her being rough around the edges and talking like a sailor isn’t sexy. They go ziplining. Keegan didn’t want any physical contact with Katie because she “repulsed” him. Daps for knowing a two-dollar word tho.
Scott is up next for Diane. I thought, upon his initial approach, that it was Tim Tebow. But that couldn’t be. God would NOT let Tim Tebow be nude on the telly. He’s Army. Been on “somewhere around 150 dates, maybe 200” in the past year and a half.
He uses the phrase “rock out with my cock out.”
Diane looks past this because she thinks people who defend countries with guns are “sexy.” They go horseback riding and Diane doesn’t think the horse will mind that Scott’s dong is on its back.
They so hit it off to the point that he admits he liked his former fiance’s ass and then, when asked to comment on Diane’s, noted that he thinks SHE has a good ass too. That made Diane feel sexy. Aw!!!
Ok, predictions: Diane is gonna pick Scott, even though he put a douchedora on his head the minute he appeared on camera clothed.
Keegan will pick Jessie, who doesn’t wear panties when she chicken-fights in pools.
Oh wait, crazy Katie comes in and throws the whole cast into an uproar. When Diane goes off to bed to sleep on her decision, Scott ends up making out with Katie in the pool. Then he puts his douchedora on and scampers away, justifiably. Oh, Katie has a black eye from some sort of ziplining incident or other. She carries on as if she got dropped upon by the Enola Gay. (As Cyrus the Virus pointed out, she’s a “dead ringer for Maureen Ponderosa” on It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia.)
So anyway, Keegan chooses Jessie who isn’t all that amped for a second date but, like, whatevurrrrrrr.
Katie sidetracks the dating ceremony with a rant about how she hates Dating Naked and everything about this damn thing that she willingly signed up for. She tells the hostess that she should get naked because she’s not into these dudes anyway and, like, whatevurrrrrrrr.
And, WOW, Diane chooses Dan over Keegan and Scott because of his hard sell that the other two bros will break her heart and he won’t. Awwwwwwww.