Oh good, they start with Danielle putting a tiara on her “delusional diva” head. She’s 37, and an operations manager from Chicago. She’s marrying some cat named Virgil, who she says she didn’t think was attractive, but he says pursued him. Either way, it was the worst thing that could have happened to him.
That, and knocking her up with twins.
She thinks she’s royalty. Of a higher class than people around her. “It’s supposed to be everyone serving me,” she says.
Danielle is none of these things. Not by a long-shot. In fact, she seems like a fucking sociopath. And a hog of one that makes a scene when her ladyfriends ordered dinner before she got to the restaurant. She also talks like gutter trash when her bridesmaids dressed are called out as ugly and goes all Exorcist bed. She’s a sub-ghetto princess. Probably bi- or tri-polar.
“I didn’t get violent, because I’m working and I’m growing,” she says later.
Oh, they also fucking show repulsive clips from her bachelorette party. I wouldn’t be surprised if an impregnation was involved. I need a Silkwood shower after watching this, particularly the fact that her 20-year-old daughter was there seeing things she didn’t want to see.
She shows up 90 minutes late for her wedding rehearsal, complains that there’s nobody around to open her car door for her, calls to get the bakers to change the wedding cake flavor at 10:45 the night before the event, and orders people to wear slippers so as to “walk softly in my presence, because if you walk to hard, I might just choke you. Don’t get noticed too much.”
How anybody can bear to be around Danielle without eating the barrel of a gun for more than 5 seconds at a time is baffling. Poor fucking Virgil. Luckily for everybody else, Danielle was a one-episode-and-done character.
****
If Danielle wasn’t bad enough, tanning-salon manager Kim‘s back with her upside-down-triangle of a mouth that pronounces call “caw.” This should be fun.
She’s still sounding quite violent and angry. She also wants a VIP section on the wedding bus.
There’s a problem with the tuxedo ties which renders her “watermelon and guava” color combo between bridesmaids (watermelon) and groomsmen (guave) all mixed up. Kim will not stand for watermelon and red or whatever. Jeremiah says they should’ve gone with the tux guy he suggested. #strongislandproblems.
At least she concedes she’s “an angry bitch.”
Her mom calls to share that she was throwing up blood “all over the garage.” Klassy Kim tells her to calm down, and if she’s going to pull the “I’m dying card” as often as she does, she should just “die already.”
She thinks her sister timed getting knocked up to take attention away from her wedding. A sister, mind you, who ends up hospitalized with a stomach flu.
Fun fact: the dad’s now throwing up all over the place too, and she hopes “it lasts for weeks.”
She also points out that her dad is somewhat of a douchebag, before intimating that the tux vendor could face a gang beating if she doesn’t get what she wants. There’s talk of relatives violating probation to make sure she gets her watermelon and guava.
Judging by the folks I’m seeing on camera, this wedding will be something of a Crazy Town show.
I also just realized that they’re only showing her from the waist up. I think there must be a reason for this. Wonder if there’s going to be some industrial-strength girdle action in that wedding dress. We’ll have to wait a week to find out.