Imagine my delight when I saw that tonight’s episode of Dating Naked involved a radio host from Philadelphia named Mike.
Smerconish? Missanelli? Who, oh who, could it be?
Oh, this knucklebag:
Mike from Philly says he’s an emcee and radio host. There’s a Q102 banner behind him. He says he’s “awesome” and that his “career” has made it difficult to find a suitable mate. He thinks seeing naked ladies will help him form these bonds.
Moenay is from Los Angeles. She’s a cruise-ship dancer. She’s also limber. See …
Her dating experiences have been “a mess.” She hopes nudity will help her find her center. She’s crying within the first 9 minutes of the show.
Soon, she transitions into penis peeker. She says Mikey’s looks “doable.” He says she’s “gorgeous.” Then, they go naked jet-skiing. Her breasts pressed against his back on said jetski led Bro Mikey to say this …
This Vine cuts off before he admits that he did not, in fact, motorboat Moenay’s boobies because he wanted to be “a gentleman.”
This Vine also cuts off before he says this …
Anyway, Mikey isn’t about seafood. Mikey is about I-talian food. Because of course he is.
He reacts like an eight-year-old when he tries octopus or something. Then he says “fuck that shit.”
The conversation evolves into Moenay thinking that Mike would understand her having to go away for work, and Mike saying that he’s not used to the type of woman who doesn’t want to go out and get drunk every night.
Separately, they concur that an unexpected connection has been made.
That lasts up until the moment Mikey Boy sees his second date coming out of the water naked.
He scratches his genitals no fewer than three times, says “Daeeeeummmmm,” notes that “she’s hot” and points out that she has “enormous titties.”
Her name is Stephanie, fwiw, which isn’t apparently as much as titties to Mikey.
She’s very girly. Loves being dolled up and “just, always, look my best. I’m kinda the perfect girlfriend.” Oh, blurred screen notwithstanding, I reckon Mike’s tittie assessment was spot-on.
He says he’s from “the Jersey Shore area” because how couldn’t he be. Central Jersey is my guess. Has fapped to visions of J WOWW and Snooki.
She talks like a kewpie doll. Her face leaves the suspicion of lip injections. She has a lot of interests. She likes to “have fun and party it up.” She fantasizes about having sex on a beach. She tells Mikey this as they’re drinking tequila on the beach.
They both like tequila. This is a sign that perhaps fate brought them together.
Moenay’s second date is some beanpole named Dan.
“Definitely a pretty guy,” she says of the life coach from San Diego. He hosts life-coaching seminars. They’re going paddle-boarding. Afterwards, he discusses “vibrations” in life and “shifting my energy” among many things that make absolutely no sense unless you view it through the prism of this guy being a “life coach.”
Mike and Moenay debrief one another at this point. Then, they strip. Because she wants to show Stephanie that yo, slut, I got Mike’s attention to.
Mike calls Beanpole “bro.” Stephanie, per Moenay, is the “Jersey Shore version of Barbie. Her body is well paid for.”
Jersey Shore Barbie orders up some more tequila before hugging up on Mike; Moenay is “stuck with Old Man Dan,” who is discussing how “affirmations” became “a lifestyle.” Sharing “positive energy” with even one person can change the world, he maintains.
Moenay heads off to bed to prepare for her third date, a third date that will never come. 🙁
But first, Mike meets Shealyn from L.A.
She has a smiling sun tat on her back. She thinks he’s cute. This is because she tends to date ugly guys. They go for a ride on a golf cart. Her boobs bounce on the ride, Mike notes, before saying she’s “a lot whiter than I’m used to.”
Mike says playing limbo with Shealyn is a great way to find out how flexible he is, because he’s into flexible chicks, BRO. He also tells her that he’s in a band that makes really “fun, party music.”
Their conversation devolves into what’s-your-sign territory. No love connection here, folks.
Moments later, he publicly admits he banged Stephanie last night. Class act through and through.
Oh, Moenay’s date No. 3 backs out because his mommy told him that he’d embarrass his bloodline by appearing on Dating Naked. He’s such a pussy that he sniveled off without letting his face be shown on camera.
I hopes someone leaks his identity.
This weasel deserves a hearty public shaming. Damn shame how he made Moenay feel, wanting solely to please Mother.
They’re all gathering in the villa pool area now.
Moenay wonders aloud whether the helium in Stephanie’s tits went to her brain or, specifically, vocal cords.
Stephanie says she will NOT share Mike.
Mike pretends he’s torn to the point that “it makes your head spin,” but he is not. See? He’s already back in the shower with Stephanie. And Moenay’s crying again with 14 minutes left in the episode. These are recurrent themes.
She thinks she’s a better match for Mike, and tells him this.
“What happens when that tequila bottle’s empty? What happens then?” she asks, noting that he’s thinking with his dick, not his brain.
These are legitimately decent points.
But, big think-y stuff seemingly confuses DJcee Bandman Mike.
Of course he chose tits over wit. Most dudes with patterns shaved in the side of their head would.
Moenay, however, wins too: She’s given the opportunity to come back on the show again.