Meet “humorless” Bridezilla Tabby. She doesn’t seem like a nice person, snapping even when she’s asked when her day went (“Iiit wayunt. Whutdewya wanna know?” comes her snippy response).
The 25-year-old stay-at-home “crazy person”/stay-at-home mom from Ohio and her man Bill seem to have bar-met under cryptic circumstances insofar as he doesn’t want to say something that might give it all the details away. This mystery is deepened by the fact that they show her getting grinded up on by some random dude and throwing a drink in someone’s face.
Her: It was not love at first sight.
Him: It was lust at first sight, and that became love eventually.
So, they banged the first night they met, likely hammered. Whatever. Just say it.
She’s already bitching that the $300 cake topper doesn’t look like them riding on a motorcycle like they did on their first date. Plus, her “eyebrows are so fucking dark,” so that makes Tabby, who doesn’t know “what you call people from Hong Kong,” want to fly to Hong Kong to seek recompense.
Bill notes that he’s being asked input on things that are girl things, which is a problem because “I just want to show up and say ‘I do.’ And get drunk.” This guy’s on point.
His sister Connie arrives on the scene shortly thereafter. She and Tabby don’t get along, except when they’re “beating people up.” An issue arises when her tardiness in getting a dress results in ill-fitting apparel a week before the nuptials.
“I’m busy,” Connie explains. “I work a lot. I drink a lot. It just snuck up on me. That’s life.”
Truth.
Connie, who has concerns about her drinking time being cut into thanks to wedding preps, then breaks down game film on the looming wedding:
“Tabby’s very high-strung, so I feel this marriage is gonna have to do a lot of give-n-takin’ to get it right.”
Tabby, who is perpetually scowling, then explains that she felt like she was going to puke en route to the court house to get all the papers’n’whatnot in order.
Fun fact: bridesmaid Shay is wearing a bandana with a skull on the front. Look:
Ok, now they’re spray painting Styrofoam wedding favors black to save time.
And, Tabby’s now telling him that if he gets icing on her face at the wedding they “will not constipate” this marriage. She’s woefully unprepared three days out to the point that she doesn’t know what the song is and apparently doesn’t want to bring the wedding cake to the wedding.
We’ll find out next week.
Bridezilla Christine, who was involved in the least memorable Bridezillas half-episode in recent memory, is back. And, by all indications from the previews, shit’s about to get memorable. Like, wedding-called-off memorable.
They’re talking about how they got engaged. They “were drunk or whatever” and he took a knee while dancing and when she said yes everybody in the bar was buying them drinks which “was cute.”
They’re getting married in Vegas. So, they got a rental house. Because hotel rooms are few and far between in Vegas.
Rudely, the Zillas production piece hasn’t implored Christine to apply makeup when she’s bitching about not wanting to go out and get their wedding bands and the cake taken care of. They’re totally brawling even before the first commercial break; she’s “going hoarse from having to scream at” him, whatever his name is other than “Victim.”
There’s an issue with getting a cab to pick a bridesmaid up at the airport. We’re reverting to the boredom of these two with the quickness. I’m hoping their trip from the rental house to the Strip will bring about some drama. Otherwise, Bridezillas is failing its audience with these two.
“I want Jager. I want Jager!” she says when they get to the strip.
Her man’s wondering whether she is here to get married or party. He takes issue with her Jager consumption. Fuck that pussy, who is now harping about how late it is when they walk by the escalators outside Bally’s and the Barbary Coast and Caesars. He then calls her a bitch. And takes a card for a free strip-club admission. Things is picking up!!!
She’s all hungover, of course, as they go to the jewelers to get the wedding bands. In Vegas. A task that she says she just wants to “get it over with.” His concern is ring-size and how it pertains to his video-game-playing abilities.
At the night-before dinner, at the Bootlegger Bistro, she refuses to wait for his family to show up before ordering (they’re 15 minutes late). As the groom’s sister asks what the hell’s going on with this wedding — with a whole bunch of ‘tude — tensions rise; look:
Actually, the sister’s a bitch. But, you gotta bring a bitch to a bitchfight, I guess. So, whateverhernameis storms out, ordering Aaron to leave with her. Screaming and carrying on. Justifiably too, as best the show editing makes it seem. Now, the bride-to-be “is not marrying you, Aaron” and demands her car keys to leave.”
“I don’t give a shit. I don’t care. Don’t care. Don’t care,” she’s telling the cameras outside.
“It is seriously over right now. Find somewhere else to live, alright?” he says.
“You can go die. I don’t even give a fuck,” she responds.
He hands the cameraman his mic, claiming that he’s no longer a groom, no longer a part of this. Fin.