Kevin Chandler vs Yolandia Chandler

I knew the second I saw Kevin Chandler dancing behind his podium while Yolandia Chandler doing some sort of Testifyin! hand motions behind hers that this was done gone be a good one.

When Yolandia Chandler then unbuttoned her jacket and did a Yo Check THIS Out spin saying that if he didn’t appreciate her before she dropped 140 lbs. from her 3-bill frame, he shouldn’t be able to appreciate her bod-ay now, well, it went from good to great. (Later, the words “gastric bypass” enter D.C. lexicon, but I digress.)

Then, when they start talking about some fictional character named Joey who, according to Yolandia is “a dawg,” well, there wuddn’t no word to describe my glee.

So Kevin says things started going wrong when “she actually tried to buy me.” Oh, hell yeah. I mean, he was sporting “lavish” shoes on their first date. And the buying came into play when, on the second date, she offered to buy him a suit and a car. Strike that: She did. And, I think they said it was a Cadillac. Aw yeah.

“I think you were a big girl. I think you were insecure,” is how Judge Lynn breaks it down. The “before” picture verified at least the first sentence. That shimmerin’ lips and braces Yolandia didn’t get all uptight, well, that proved the second. “That’s a stab on society that made you think you had to do that to be loved.”

Oh, and Kevin didn’t escape judgement. Judge turned on him right quick, yo. “There’s always public transportation,” comes the retort. “My pride, that’s what led into our relationship.” Kevin brushes aside the fault-finding. I don’t really follow his logic beyond, ‘I ain’t gonna say no to a big girl who wants to buy me things and show me off.’

Oh again: Kevin wants $250 to replace the clothes of his that she burned up. “Burn baby burn, Judge. He got what he deserved,” says Yolandia.

He lists his occupation as forklift operator. That must’ve been a lot of clothes. Thing is, Kevin’s right: Yolandia shouldn’t have waited till he fell asleep to check for calls and texts from other dames. (She found one that said, “How’s my man doin’ today?”)

So Yolandia’s all “I took care of this man, I clothesed him. … Man don’t work. Man don’t eat.” And Kevin’s all “uh uh, mmm, mmm, I had two cars. Mmm mmmm mmm. Wait a minute. Uh oh. Hold up. You can’t cook chicken. So what’s the difference. Steak? Neither one. Neither one.” See what I mean? These folk f’ing rule. Especially when Yolandia ask bailiff Joe if he wants to be her husband.

This one’s a thrill a second.

So the cheatin suspicions are chalked up to imagination figments, at least as Kevin’s concerned. But he think that Yolandia been tramping about since gastric bypass. Counters Yolandia, “I was with my girlfriends, wit my friends, and I told him where I was.” She’s 42, on her third husband. That’s when Joey comes back into the mix. And some story about how he took another chick for $2,700.

Kevin and Yolandia Chandler are the reason why I watch this show. They’re also a reason not to give up hope in this crazy, mixed-up world. The scary part? I STILL don’t understand a single thing I heard for the past 22 minutes.

Chalk it all up to Joey. Whoever the hell he is.