As soon as the sneak previews arrived at the end of last week’s episode of Dating Naked, I knew this would be a special one. Suffice it to say, the pre-show buzz matched this anticipation.
Exclusive: Meet the penis pump salesman who 'gets high on his own supply' on @DatingNaked: http://t.co/7CqTfnchpJ pic.twitter.com/ZkxlSUkTMZ
— Entertainment Weekly (@EW) September 9, 2015
And away we go into the phase of the show where Dating Naked Kerri realizes that all these naked dates has left her realizing that perhaps Dating Naked Chris is the best loinal match, keepers Elissa and Dan be damned.
But there are still dates upon which to embark. And Chris’ first mate is Tinabell from Hemet, Cal., who jokes that she went to the mall to get her birthday suit. ROFLMAO!!!1!
She writes music and dances therapeutically. On naked island, however, they play slip and sliding. It was uncomfortable.
Elissa does not perceive any competition from Tinabell, fwiw. Whatevs.
Kerri first date is a Tarheel named Chase. He sells penis pumps for a living.
Upon introductory completion, Kerri admits that “often, I try to take a peek at what I’m working with and I’m intimidated. In not a good way.”
He breaks down the penis-pump sales process. She thinks he’s “been getting a little too high on his own supply.”
This is coded language. What she’s saying is Chase has used his penis pump to an irrationally unacceptable level, causing discomfort by sight alone. But he’s just smirkin’ away, embiggened by the spirit of his unnatural enhancement processes (up to an hour of pumping for length and girth accentuation).
Chase views his role in the world — his life calling, if you will — as helping others achieve bedroom confidence and satisfaction. Negativity is cast aside, Kerri realizes before rollerblading naked but for striped knee-highs.
Kerri is sufficiently wooed to the point that she admits her parents divorced when she was a toddler because her mother was gay. These two have a love connection (caveat: Chase’s penis “freaked me out”)!!!!
Anyhoo, he brought one with him. A penis pump, that is. And he demonstrates its proper use. Here is Kerri’s face when he’s doing just that:
Obvi, the dudes aren’t all that keen about the penis-pump showcase showdown.
This segues into Chris and Kerri having some alone-chat time on the deck, a sesh which Elissa interrupts because Dan got her to thinking that there’s a spark between the contestants that end up kissing ever so briefly.
Chris stops midkiss to make it clear that they should NOT be doing this right now as it would alter the course of Dating Naked history akin to Marty McFly messing up his family’s tomorrow for missteps today.
Drama ensues of an explanatory-necessity variety. Dan’s all hip to it. Threatening to walk away because there’s plenty of women in the world that he can get naked all easy like.
Time for dates two, though. Because this is what the show requires of participants for the betterment of society.
Meet Trenee from Oakland, Cal., a communications-degree aspirant who has “been accused of having a resting bitch face.” Wonder why.
Kerri’s second date is a pasty, awkward, inked hugger named Todd from Pittsburgh.
These second dates are pretty difficult to pay attention to. Not their fault. It’s, just, well, where do you go from penis-pump exhibitions, nah mean? Even when they’re making sausages naked but for chefs’ caps and aprons. Which is really saying something. But for Trenee’s stick-in-the-mud-edness, a sausage-casing segment would’ve been bawse.
Kerri lays down an ultimatum to Chris: I put myself out there; if you want me, it’s your turn to do the same.
This is what they call “setting up drama for the finale episode” which, as it stands, will result in the pair finding love in one another’s embrace. Well, not love love, TV reality-show love. And a brand of TV reality-show love that leaves Chris seemingly attempt to friend-zone Kerri, blaming the nature of the show not his own feelings or her fears of penis-pump over-enhancement.
Dan sees through this ruse, picking right up on her cozying up to him because Chris gave her a mellowed back-off signal.
Final decisions: Chris keeps Elissa, who is in no way a compelling character.
Kerri asks Dan if he’s willing to stick around instead of just outright selection. AND HE SAID YES!!!
God damn, though, I’d have liked to see the penis-pump guy stick around for next week. Wanna know why? Because Fallon will make her highly anticipated return in an episode featuring three final dates with previously met potential mates.
This’ll be rich.