NEW SEASON OF BRIDEZILLAS! About damn time. A wee bit of my faith in humanity had been restored.
Here’s hoping Shederyl, Marlene and Marlene’s heinous, heinous looking sister undo that progress. Judging by the previews, this shouldn’t take very long at all.
Marlene‘s a 36-year-old financial adviser from Long Island. She’s marrying some cat named Jose who says, “When I think of Bridezillas, I think of Marlene.” First thing he liked about Marlene was “her ass,” an ass he first saw while married to someone else. The ass must have masked the fact that she’s a horrible person in that she likes to yell and belittle and give stink eyes.
As in, when they were tasting cakes for the wedding, she says, “How ’bout you just shut the fuck up right now? How about that?” This reinforced the fact that Jose felt left out of all decision-making. This drove Marlene to do the silent thing the whole ride home. I’m sure Jose took this as a blessing, not having to listen to that beast yapping and yapping and yapping.
But JESUS FUCKING CHRIST WHAT IS THIS CREATURE THEY’RE CALLING MARLENE’S SISTER? THAT MARLENE IS CALLING “A WHORE.” LOOK AT THIS FUCKING SHIT:
WHAT IS THAT? ITS ANKLES ARE WIDER THAN ITS KNEES! I don’t even know what to make of this “Meldy” creature. This is going to leave a mental scar. Sweet fucking Christ. They go into a bridal store asking to make her look slutty. But, like, standing out and looking nice, too. Bridal-store worker sums Meldy up as a frightening individual. That’s a measured response.
They go to a sex shop for Meldy’s dress search. She wants one where the “boobs come out.” Also, she wants a sex toy, but it never gets very specific. Thank fucking Christ.
Moments later, they show Meldy being unable to open a kid-proofed door. This is the mental depth I’ve come to expect from Bridezillas hangers on.
Finally, Jose’s back on. And, he’s getting bitched at for opening a beer before they get to the seating chart. She takes it away because “it’s pissing me the fuck off.” They exchange “you’re a two year old” comments. She breaks something.
From there, she goes over to her friend’s house and insults her diabetic husband and burns a bridge so charred that she’ll now have to find someone else to do her makeup prior to the wedding.
I suspect this is the point — if he hasn’t passed it already — that Jose realizes a nice ass is NOT a fair trade for the horrendously offensive person above, in front of, and below it.
Shederyl is 31, an ER nurse from Chattanooga, Tenn. She’s marrying some cat named Ponnie. They’re shown making out in a bowling alley locker-room area. He seems like good people. And she seems ok too, if you’re one who gets distracted by soft Southern accents (think Maya Rudolph’s tone) and chest tattoos that resemble oversized, exposed nipples.
Then, she says how she won’t permit bridesmaids to eat at (or, it turns out, before) the reception. They can have some water, maybe some fruit, but they ain’t eating till everybody leaves at 8:15. This, because she wants their dresses to be tight. She calls them fatties. Lakesha notes that Shederyl herself “look a little chubby over there.” This is an accurate assessment of the situation.
She expects them to put their lives on hold prior to her nuptials because “right now, I don’t give a fuck.” This apparently applies to her self control, as well. This leaves maid of honor Shavonne noting that Shederyl’s is the one who “is fat” and “needs to go to the gym more.”
In a subsequent scene, Shederyl urges another bridesmaid to go ahead and lose some weight prior to the wedding pictures.
There is a blatant disconnect here, what with Shederyl ordering country fried steak with extra gravy as the first of about eight courses at lunch, minutes after talking smack on her bridesmaid.
They show her bachelor party. She says she needs 10 drinks. Then, two more. Then, they show her getting into a cage that she vowed not to do. Then, they show her faux pegging some dude. Then, they show her pining for a hot dog with everything on it. This will join “some sushi, BBQ sauce, some meatballs, pasta salad and some punch” in her belly. A belly which seemingly protrudes as far as her breastuses at this point.
Best thing that ever happened to Shederyl was being put on a Bridezillas episode with Marlene and Meldy, though. She’s almost tolerable in that “who’s worse” competition.