Meet Ashanti, a disorganized, aloof “black queen” who agreed to be on Bridezillas but now doesn’t like those cameras in her face. She’s marrying Geoff of the U.S. Navy. They’re from Hawaii. But, they’re getting married in Los Angeles. Makes sense. Hawaii wedding’s are horrible, I’m sure.
At the onset of the episode, we learn that they’re $10K over budget already, mostly because of her dress. This matters little since, per Ashanti, looking beautiful is of utmost importance.
She makes her bridesmaids sign contracts as to what they’ll be doing to help set up for a pre-wedding party. This is due to the budget issues; namely, they’ll be serving as caterers now. This is classy.
“I don’t cook. Do I look like I cook?” Ashanti says. “I was a waitress. They can serve. It’s a special day, it’s about me. So, serve and cook and shut up. … If you don’t like it, go home.”
Then, after imparting orders, she takes them out to eat. But then, before they can eat, she orders them out of the restaurant so she can go shopping for lingerie at some store advertised as Trashy.com.
She ends up trying on some frumpy sailor-girl costume, as if she has a tryout for the role of Asshole Shirley Temple. There, she “fired” bridesmaid Takorah for having the audacity to want something to eat. Then, two more get fired for being disagreeable. (They’re rehired the next day, though.)
On the way to the nail place the next morning, she gets into a car crash. She blames the other driver, who wasn’t at fault. Then, she pulls the “I have a wedding in three days” card to get out of calling the cops.
Good Lord, what a wretched person.
Anyway, Rochelle‘s back on. Here’s her previous appearance, which ended with her man taking off for a run with images of wedding disaster dancing in his head.
There are family concerns about a rush to marriage to the point where Rochelle’s mammy has a sit down with Nathan on a back-porch swing. Afterward, Rochelle proceeds to follow Nathan into the bathroom. There are moans and groans, but a blushing Rochelle emerges without a garment disheveled.
Though I take this to mean the wedding will go off without a hitch, you’re free to interpret that in any fashion you’d like.
As with Ashanti, Rochelle ends up at a “sex shop” where she sees clothing “with a vagina hole” and products that “help with gag reflex.” This prompts her to call Nathan, who likes “black lacy stuff, handcuffs and restraints.” Which leads to the idea of purchasing a sex swing.
From there, bridesmaid April gets the idea to “have a sex party by myself” on account of the size of the dildos. Yep.
Fun fact: Rochelle is incapable of properly pronouncing “headache.” She pronounces it “heddick.”
After watching reports that a tornado may have hit the church, she’s all like, “My parents are, like, ‘Oh my God, you know, you’re 18, you need to stop acting like a baby.’ I’m like, ‘no, then give me what I want.’ Thirty minutes later, they’re, like, ‘Fine.’ You know, I just throw a tantrum.”
Tell you what, she should’ve been a one-episode ‘Zilla. She’s not as egregiously offensive of most of ’em. She’s just an ungrateful 18-year-old kid who gets mouthy — no pun intended — from time to time. That said, she’s probably already a 19-year-old divorcee. Or knocked up. Or both.
Anyway, here are a couple of keepsake wedding-day photos:
