Cristal‘s 24. She’s from Milwaukee and works as something called an appraisal coordinator.
She met her groom-to-be doing a production of Little Shop of Horrors in high school. So, you can tell where this is going already, that being where a bridezilla’s groompiece will defy her wishes and go tanning anyway when she doesn’t want him to do so.
At least it wasn’t fucking Rocky Horror. No. You know what, fuck that. I’d rather it was, because an episode of Bridezillas that started with a high school production of Rocky Horror would be totally fucking epic.
Cristal doesn’t seem all that bad off the bat. Except with the crying and the willingness to say to her groom-to-be that “you’re not a man.” It almost seems as if she’s doing a stage production of “I want to be on Bridezillas (but I really don’t have what it takes to do so).” I fear that watching so many of these episodes has numbed me to being able to recognize your run-of-the-mill horrible person. Thankfully, Cristal starts yelling at a homeless guy. Makes it easier to see her for the horrendous human that she really is.
She also has a bachelorette party that her “man” attends. And she rides a bucking chili pepper with another dude. Yeah, it was as awkward as it reads.
Shit got real when someone said she looked like a cow in a black dress and her man didn’t step up in defense. After accusing someone wrongfully, she says she’d accept being called a pretty cow or, preferably, “a pretty calf.” She ends up throwing a shot in someone else’s face.
Bitchboy admits that he probably could’ve/should’ve done more. This relationship is slowly being exposed as a bearding ring exchange.
Final verdict after smh at editors who didn’t prevent the wedding from looking like a skit in a reindeer-Rudolph-themed Proactiv commercial: Cristal probably sucked in Little Shop of Horrors, and Adam or whatever probably crossdresses or, at the very least, is a pegging aficionado. If someone sees this who has video of the performance — stage, NOT pegging — upload it to YouTube and send me the link.
Anyway, Johanne‘s back again. I invite you to check the comments on those two previous posts linked in the last sentence. It seems that people say there’s much more to the Johanne and Ed saga than was presented before the cameras.
You have to figure there was a good amount of herpes flung about the room during that threesome she had in the last episode. A threesome without Ed. But a threesome with the guy who’s tatteria branded Ed as Johanne’s property.
Sweet Lord, the previews make it seem as if Ed might actually have wised up and walked away from this piece of gutter placenta.
Anyway, Johanne starts throwing food at her friends at her bachelorette party, a bachelorette party to which Johanne wore crankwhore red.
To her credit, Johanne admits to Ed or whatever that she was hooking up with a chick recently. But then she gets worried that he won’t show up at the wedding.
At this point, Ed wants some explanations from her. The tattoo. The making out with others. The “how this is really going to work.”
“If I get crazy Johanne, we’re not going to get married,” he says, officially growing balls 2.5 episodes into his televised emasculation. “I hope the guests enjoy the food.”
He wants to have this discussion in the waning hours before their wedding, and he does. Then, she admits to being unfaithful during her self-written vows. Oh, the other members of the threesome were at the wedding, too, and the guy tells the cameras that she oughta come clean since Ed’s gonna see what actually happened once Bridezillas airs (it was roughly five months later).
“Her vows were interesting to me,” said Rev. Will Smith. “I was gonna pass out.”
Hard to blame Ed for ditching her at the reception for a while and returns really, really glassy eyed. She tries to turn it around that she was treated poorly on her wedding day. Oh, ain’t that rich.
Over the course of blogging many Bridezillas episodes, I’ve had some harsh words for some participants, but I want to make one thing perfectly fucking clear: Johanne is the bottom of the humanity barrel.
If there is any sort of higher power, shit’s gonna get a lot more real for her than she’d ever imagined, and the world will be a better place because of that, especially if it involves flesh-fiending coyotes.