Bridezillas: Haley and Ariel

Here we go, with the 10th — and final — season of Bridezillas, America’s preeminent sociological study of what happens when you surround brink-of-matrimony ladies with cameras.

I’m sad it’s going, quite honestly, but as a casualty — I suspect — in that whole “everything’s a battle in the #WarOnWomen” thing, it’s a loss with which American can cope. (Thus sparing us some sort of “why isn’t there a Groomzilla’s show” fauxinist post.)

Meet Bridezilla Haley, a way too full of herself 22-year-old who’s saddled with a failed America’s Next Top Model tryout (but, whatever, it didn’t matter; they picked uglies). She’s the type who doesn’t sense the irony when she says “I look amazing all the time” openly.

She’s marrying third-year law-student Dimitri who freely notes that a shirt makes her ass look big. Like him already, though I’m wondering whether he’s of Gypsy stock.

His mammy/wedding coordinator, who admits she wanted nothing to do with these nuptials, in the show’s fifth minute, notes that her potential daughter-in-law “sucks.” Sucks manifests itself in talking about how good she thinks she looks. (7.5ish on the Kade meter, and certainly does not — as she maintains — look so damn good without makeup, considering those big fake lashes vining off her face.)

They spend a lot of time on this whole sour relationship between mother-of-groom and bride-to-be. And there’s some depth to that conflict. These two’ll hate one on another as long as they’re in proximity.

There’s apparently a discussion about some sort of “squid show.” And a conflict about who’s marrying into whose family. And mammy’s tears when she tells the cameras how bad an idea this wedding is.

Discussion turns to the difference between cheap and high-priced hookers as they try to figure out what her makeup should look like. Specifically, Haley seems to think she looks prostitutey when MIL-to-be does her makeup. (Real talk: She does look decent when she leave those cosmetic tryouts. Realer talk: The commercial-break clip of the ladies talking about shaving vs. waxing and Vagazzling — “you know, put some bling on it,” explains mammy — is a bit unsettling.)

Then, she fails to get a second sip from a beer bong — with a dong nozzle — into her mouth at the pre-wedding party. While mammy-in-law did, some uptight bridesmaid gets all I’m-better-than-these-people in saying …

This leads to a near brawl, a kicking out of the party from the bar and the arrival of police to clean up this Ratchet vs. Diva melee-that-never-was. Which sucked. That’d have been cool, a Bridezillas brawl over a dong-themed beer bong.

Long and short of it: By the end of the episode, Haley wasn’t the least likable character in her portion of the show. Did a full 180 on her. Sure, she’s high maintenance, but the in-laws-to-be make a case that there are worse things one could be.

Wedding-day highlight: “This is a bad idea,” she sighs after donning the gown and before crying on the altar before saying “I do.”

Prediction: She won’t ever be doing the whole family function circuit with the in-laws. Just different walks of — and approaches to — life to overcome. Will that land them on Marriage Boot Camp: Bridezillas one day? We shall see.

I had high hopes for 19-year-old South Dakota Bridezilla Ariel, what with her name being Little Mermaid-y and all. Twasn’t love at first site between her and her man Brooke; as he puts it, it was let’s hook up at early sight. Which is as successful a recipe for everlasting love.

Also a recipe for success: Bitching at the bridal party because they can’t be there all the time in lieu of full-time jobs. One got kicked out apparently; a nasty message was left for another one, who happens to be possible sister-in-law-to-be. A text frenzy — cig in hand — follows.

This leads to wholesale culling of the bridal party that leads to a bar-room bride/groom confab. He maintains that she should not, in fact, kick ’em all out. She, having no sense of self, makes faces and growls back with the basis of her nonsensical mindset. Then, fake tears. And “just shuuut uuuup-puh, do I really have to scream in here?”

But then bitch boy Brooke feels as if he should apologize to a woman who asks him “do you know what shut up means? If you want them in the wedding, you text them.” Drama dissipates in exceptionally boring fashion.

Anyway, seems as if the reception hall is a Knights of Columbus (or some similar organization) basement. Oh, it’s the American Legion. And she’s bitching about all the red, white and blue colors around the room.

Because Bridezilla Ariel hates America. She has slipped into fucking terrorist mode, now. And if she’s going to talk down on America, she doesn’t deserve one fucking good thing to happen to her in life. Move to fucking China if you don’t like the Legion’s decorations. ROCK FLAG AND EAGLE, BITCH.

She better learn some patriotism before next week’s episode or there’s gon’ be a need for Homeland Security involvement.