Bridezillas Brittany & Suzy

I’m not exactly sure about how etiquette experts would come down on the age-old question of whether cranial deformities qualify a lady to enter the realm of the butterfaces. So, I’ll just say Brittany from Dayton, Ohio is attractive-bodied.

She’s also the type of asscunt who bosses her manpiece Mike around, belittling him in front of others and the like and houses daytime wine like that freakish looking mother on Real Housewives of Miami. For instance, when Mike came home from work with a broken finger, she chastised him as “stupid.”

Anyway, she has some chick she met online on a wedding site in to help with the preparations. Seriously. A total stranger. From a wedding website. And she gets to watch oddhead go through her scratch-off tickets and piles of change in preparation of paying for the nuptials. That includes pennies. Many of them. She talks about selling copper wire. And donating plasma.

“Mike’s had to go give plasma. Actually, we both gave plasma. You go two times a week and depending on your weight, Mike was making like $50 a week and I was making $30 a week, so that’s $80 a week,” she explained. “You don’t just use it for your wedding list. It’s extra income and it’s a good place. If you’re a little behind, it’s a great way to pick up money and you do nothing for it. You just sit there.”

We’re starting to get some answers here, about the whole etiquette issue mentioned above.

So anyway, she’s 26 and this is her second wedding. She’s going with a Buddhist theme (as in carrying a Tibetan Buddhist prayer beads up the aisle) to ward off a third. She forces him to read his wedding-vows-in-process and mocks them too. She’s got a sexy voice, though, for what that’s worth. She also lets cameras film her desperately waiting for the mailman who may or may not bring a check, for what that’s worth.

Sweet Lord though, production team, enough of the closeups. It’s so friggin’ unsettling. Get to editing before next week’s episode airs. Please. I implore you. Think of the children.

Oh yeah, Suzy‘s back. Again. And she’s more putrid than ever. The fact that Taylor is marrying this man-handed cretin makes me question humanity itself.

She acts like a puddle of piss at the rehearsal dinner, wanting to edit the best man’s speech. Because she probably realizes she’s fucking abhorrent, and the way she’s treated the best man would lead to some calling out of the bride. She threatens that he’ll get a “stiletto to the crotch.” A crotch that he actually referenced in the initial draft, and Taylor gives permission to say whatever he wants to say.

So, Suzy, the evil piglet, tries to dump an ice water over Corey (the best man) but gets her husband-to-be more wet at some place called Rio Grande. To which she says “oh well.” Like a spoiled fucking brat.

Then, she’s carrying on about the seating chart, confirming that she hates Taylor’s parents two young children. Then, she storms off and gives her mom more shit. She also gets into some other lady’s face. Again, like a spoiled fucking brat.

She takes off walking but Suzy’s poor, poor mom says the kid’s too lazy to walk all the way home. Nobody comes and picks ‘er up either. Which is so, so fitting. Until mom shows up after a while and says “get your ass in this goddamn car.” But Suzy doesn’t initially, taking a pouty while before caving. Still like a spoiled fucking brat.

“I’m adopting a new attitude for this wedding: Fuck it,” says Suzy, who’ll be moving out-of-state a day after the wedding but has yet to do a lick of packing. So she starts yelling at her mom about that, too. She starts crying.

“We’re done with your whole attitude of self-servitude,” declares mom, like someone who’s had to deal with a spoiled fucking brat one thousand times too many.

The next day, she flips out about a guest who’s wearing some hot dress with a tiara. “I’m going from princess to queen. There will be no other princesses at my wedding. No other little bitch is going to wear a tiara,” she says, before making someone else call and threatening to “rip it out of her head.”

Anyway, wedding was all smiles (except for the best man who knew what his boy was signing himself up for, and it’s similar to going to ‘Nam). Until the reception when Suzy got all worked up about the speech in which Corey referenced Taylor’s cock. So Suzy referenced her tits in front of the Bridezillas comments. Which, much like Brittany’s voice, are Suzy’s redeeming quality.

Thank fucking Christ she says she’s getting her tubes tied rather than having children.