Bridezillas: Ashanti & Liza

Liza is a 37-year-old Puerto Rican princess, local singer (in Orlando), college student and a spicy boricua. Jason liked her for her tits, ass and pushin’ cushion. This is a solid foundation for everlasting love.

“To get what I want, I’m willing to cut somebody,” says Liza who then goes on a diatribe about Everglades body disposal and how she wants people to cry when they see her wedding cake.

What’s odd about her, though, is that it seems like the shirt she’s wearing has a belt buckle on the shoulder strap. Also, how she throws cake in her maid-of-honor’s face when she tells her she can’t afford to buy a $600 cake. There’s talk of an exchange involving food stamps, which Liza belittles as “so ghetto” (and the baker dismisses as “illegal.”)

This Liza, within 10 minutes, she’s a screambag caricature of a sorry-ass Rosie Perez impersonator.

This is particularly noticeable when the bridal party cuts plastic sheets to hang over the windows on Nuptial Day. (Plastic’s a fabric, right?)

And when she asks whether the bridal store has any dresses in ivory. (They did.)

And when she tries to skimp the photographer down to a paid-only-per-perfect-picture basis. (Her mathematical prowess calls to mind an Idiocracy abacus).

She grabs her tits a lot when she’s trying on necklaces. (Fiance was right).

It would not shock sensibilities to learn they had cockfighting at the rehearsal dinner. (There wasn’t. Woe).

If there’s one redeeming moment in Liza’s Bridezillas appearance, it was a glimpse of “Patrick: Makeup Artist” in a scene where she apparently misplaced some of her hair. (Who fucking knows).

He says it’s “unbeweavable” when they find it. UNBEWEAVABLE! Somebody needs to get Patrick: Makeup Artist his own show, for reals.

Ashanti‘s back and she’s saying how she tries to never let her manpiece Geoff see the way she acts. Which is to say she never lets him see her acting like a fucking psychopathic dervish.

She loses her voice two days before the wedding from all the vindictive yelling and screaming which led to bridesmaids getting “fired.” (She brings reinforcements, of whom she expects signed contracts pertaining to following her orders).

What must break in someone’s brain to think bridesmaids’ contracts are acceptable?

Fun fact: She didn’t really lose her voice. She’s just pretending. There was a split second when she spoke normally. Just a horrible human being. Irreparably damaged goods. And oh my Lord, why did they let them film her at a pole-dancing class? Some things you can’t unsee.

Anyway, she flips out at the rehearsal, bullying the Bridezillas crew which SHE invited there in the first place, probably figuring she’d land a role in some direct-to-DVD scat porn or something. There’s edge of violence. There’s mental breakdownage. There are tears. And she takes the mic off in a parking lot. She’ll be back after the commercial break, though.

And when she is, she’s ordering a tall bridesmaid to walk with legs bent at the knees so she looks shorter. When Erikka refuses, she, too, is fired from the wedding apparently. But then she’s rehired because Ashanti says “I’m sorry for choking you yesterday.”

Christ, when they end up getting married, she wears a dress with her breastuses practically hanging out. And she takes off from the reception early, sitting on the hood of her husband’s car outside. Whatever. I’m just happy I’m not going to have to spend another 44 minutes watching this creep.