Meet Bridezilla Evelina. She’s a rather attractive “Polish-European princess” who’s marrying some guy named “Levi” who she met “at the mall.”
When asked if it “was love at first sight,” a dual uncomfortable silence ensues. Aw.
The first stop in their Bridezillas segment is a visit to the cosmetic surgeon. Outside, she says she’s perfect. And, if you don’t believe that, you should just look at her. This visit, it turns out, is for Levi. They don’t get to the visit before Evelina goes all road ragey en route.
Way I see it, the cosmetic surgeon is a blessing; one can see traces of butterface-past in Evelina’s pre-new?-nose pre-new-breastuses narrative. Then again, maybe not. She may be the most attractive Zilla in the past 10 years. Accent don’t hurt in the least. Real talk: I wish SHE got in a topless fight with a drag queen like Zilla Stephanie.
Anyway, Levi’s getting some Botox work done to his face as Evelina hovers like a cloud. Bridesmaid Burke noted that if she was Levi, she’d probably be a little upset with the whole “you need work done to your face” thing. Levi “is the victim over here” and he blames himself for letting her make him feel that way. He’s staring in the mirror, taking in his Botoxed face. She’s upset that he isn’t looking at it from her perspective, the whole “I want my man to fix his face” thing, that is.
“She’s so selfish,” says Levi, “but she’s so hot.”
I could’ve drop a –30– after that quote — no further summation needed — but episode’s only half over and she’s already saying “my looks are important to me. Since I have them, why would I waste them?”
Deep.
There’s some sort of scuffle at the hair-and-makeup trial. She says she’s not paying because her hair’s thin or something. She throws male stylist’s stuff outside her front door and says she DGAF because whatever, hot > anything else, right?
It’s at this point where they have a preview-tease showing her dress getting doused with sprinklers at the photo shoot; my bride notes that this is “hilarious” in light of Evelina’s shenanigans to-date.
There is confusion regarding a sunrise photo shoot that she had planned. As she’s getting her hair done, in bright sunlight, she asks if they’ll be able to get photos taken during sunrise. She’s told that she won’t, because the sun is already up. This is cause for confusion. And, the photo poses are cause for photographer to tell Levi that he should try smiling since he looks like a vampire about to sink his teef in her neck.
Here she is dealing with the stress of a dress that got dirty four days before the wedding:
Also, Bridezilla Krystal was back on for a second appearance with her man-to-be Marvin. She and her bridesmaids are preparing some sexy chair dance for the wedding. They’re trying to be Destiny’s Child but none of them even one-sixth as talented as Michelle Williams.
There’s manmeat dressed like Zorro at the bachelorette party to which she wore huge crucifix earrings. There, Aunt Edie maintains that one needn’t get fully naked to be a stripper. She bases this on the fact that she “used to be a stripper but I never got butt-azz nekkid.”
The narrator says that Krystal is “about to get glazed.” I don’t think the narrator recognizes the bukkake implications of that phrase. Or maybe she does. Which would be pretty wild. Not as wild as if there was actual bukkake on Bridezillas. But wild nonetheless.
Fast-forward to wedding planning: She’s treating a groomsman Donnie like she’s Walter Sobchak and he’s the Dude and Walt’s bowling partner.
Sooooo boring, this Krystal, even when she’s throwing salad at one of her bridesmaids and almost brawling before the rehearsal dinner or something. Then, they get married. Here’s hoping WeTV sends me a voucher for the time I lost watching the Krystal saga. Thank Christ she was packaged with the co-stars she had the past two weeks.