I want you take a look at this picture. It’s of a weed on the sliver of turf between my street and the sidewalk in front of my home …
Left: Weed, Right: My leg in camoflage shorts
That was taken on the property line between my house and that of my neighbor, who happens to be both a ranking member of the Fire Department and a deadbeat property owner who lets poison ivy grow freely, squirrels enter and exit through a hole in his garage door and mail, circulars and neighborhood papers just pile up on the front porch for months at a time.
As you can see, there is a single weed with whatever a weed’s branches are called. For the sake of this argument, I’ll call them, “Something that the City of Philadelphia enlists an army of Licenses and Inspections foot soldiers to roam well-kept blocks to try and find any little thing to sap citizens of $75 at a time.” Don’t believe me? I would like you to take a look at this picture, then …
The Code Violation Notice that cost Philadelphia a resident
So, in summary, I got fined $75 — which could buy my new baby enough civic pride to want to stay in Philadelphia when he’s of schooling age — because Officer W. Corley (badge No. 969) saw one roadside weed and decided to put a GED-friendly ticket-issuing machine to work at 8:32:19 a.m. on a Monday.
Well, guess what, Corley. I measured it. It does exceed the 10-inch limit, but one weed does not constitute the plural “weeds,” as your notice so clearly states. Plus, a neighboring yard is the root of its growth. In the morning, I’ll be dialing the provided number to request a hearing. I hope to see you there. I’ll gladly give a sermon on the whole “singular vs. plural” thing.
Not that I blame you entirely: Like the gas guy at Dachau*, somebody gave you the orders, and you were just following them. I’ll find out who that is, believe you me, Officer W. Corley. And I will commit myself to making their life a living public-scrutiny hell.
Which brings me to a civic challenge, and I’ll go with bold and caps here for emphasis:
FELLOW PHILADELPHIANS, I IMPLORE YOU TO TAKE PHOTOGRAPHS OF ANY ELECTED OFFICIAL AND CITY EMPLOYEE’S FRONT LAWN THAT HAS EVEN A SINGLE WEED ON IT AND EMAIL THEM TO ME AT BRIANHICKEY9. THE EMAIL SERVICE: GMAIL. I WILL FEATURE THEM ON THIS SITE, PHOTO CREDIT INCLUSION AT YOUR REQUEST.
If you thought the Budd Dwyer** scene was a mess, wait till Hickey gets done exacting revenge.
* Yes, that’s way too strong of a comparison, but I was pissed off when I wrote this last night.
** No, that’s not way too strong of a comparison.
UPDATES:
– One of my neighbors called the Streets Department. They said both that someone had to complain to bring a code enforcer out and that someone doesn’t have to complain to have them roam the streets.
– Neighbor was also told that the code enforcers don’t have to put the violations in the mailbox — mine was found on the ground, like sidewalk litter — because they’ve gotten accosted doing so.
– As to that second one, I’d like to say that they shouldn’t get accosted for doing so. But I can’t.
– I’m taking a “weed” sample to a nearby nursery to see if it even qualifies as a weed.