Bridezillas: Tricia and Danni

08/01/2011
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Picture 3 Picture 5 Well, Bridezillas got real last night when a Twitter/Deadspin pal shared the fact that Bridezilla Tricia is on Twitter (@xiiNFAMOUSx) and on Bridezilla Tricia’s Twitter page it became quickly evident that Bridezilla Danni is, too (@iamdannistarr). Check out their Tweets if you want to; I have myself an episode to worry about.

In the intro, Danni is quoted as saying “I want everybody to refer to me as the most beautiful bride.” Which she isn’t. She’s decent looking, but so far from the most beautiful bride that the FCC should’ve stepped in. Then again, her stuffing her face with various food stuffs and screaming into the camera pretty much hammers that point home anyway.

Meanwhile, week three of horrible-person Tricia’s wedding preparations involves hookahs and even her husband saying “she’s horrible.” Maybe this episode’ll treat these beasts like they should be treated.

Danni is from Minneapolis. She’s marrying a DJ named Marlon. She seems to think many men want her. “I was Miss Minnesota International 2007,” she explains. “So, clearly, like, that’s a big deal.”

Oh clearly. Now, what the hell is Miss Minnesota International anyway?

Bitch says she don’t care about other peoples’ feelings much. She justifies her behavior as something that happens to any woman about to get married. So, clearly, like, she wasn’t Miss Minnesota Logical 2007. She wears a shirt that says “Team Danni” and harangues people for not wishing her a “Happy Wedding Week.” She’s like a needy eight year old girl who needs to be continually complimented. That speaks to a psychological defect.

She’s telling people it’s an honor to be involved in her wedding. She’s ordering groomsmen to get their hair cut, or get a tan, or leave the baby mamas at home. She starts crying when the guys eat all the turkey burgers.

When she goes to the cake store or whatever you’d call it, bakery, that’s it, she gets all why didn’t you say Happy Wedding Week, World’s Most Beautiful Bride or whatnot. She also flips out when she finds out a friend isn’t flying in from Chicago for the wedding; the friend says “she’s not rich … not a local celebrity like you are.” Which makes me question Minneapolis in its entirety. What’s wrong with a people that consider this a local celebrity? Good luck with that, McNabb. Should be a good time.

She can’t fit into her dress. Blames her period. As she squeezes into a white wedding dress. Danni’s absolutely fucking delusional, just like the rest of the ‘Zillas.

Anyway, Tricia‘s act is wearing thin after three weeks of being subjected to patent immaturity and rudeness and all-around ugliness. I’m going to be so happy when her 15th minute ends.

Jessie, her fiance, says giving her a stuffed animal makes the woman he’ll spend the rest of his life the year with nice for about two days.

They got tattoos just before the wedding, to presumably force themselves to remain in a relationship that will drive one of them to be brink of insanity and the other one that’s already insane over the edge once and for all. She starts calling him a bitch. She says she’s “the best you’ll ever get” and mentions that even if he takes his ring off to cheat on her, they’ll know he’s married. Within a week, he’ll be willing to fucking hack the limb itself off if that’s what it takes to get away from this pig, the type of pig that eats a burrito, smells her hand and says it smells like she “was just playing with a girl.”

Her friends — one of whom is whorey pole-spinning hot — are starting to rebel against being treated like shit. Can hardly blame them. Tricia has absolutely zero redeeming qualities. She also deserves the mangle-job the stylist did on her hair. She looks post-op. Justice is funny sometimes, how it chooses to make itself seen and/or known.

Says the stylist, Amy, “I’ll never deal with somebody like her again. The ‘Bro-Ho’ style? We don’t deal with that. Trash, actually. And craziness. We don’t deal with crazy people, and she’s nuts.”

Twenty-nine words sum it all up.

“She asked $110 back when she actually gave me $130,” continues Amy, of Tricia’s refund request. “Whether or not she knew she did that, that’s up to her. That’s her problem, not mine. Good luck in her marriage. Hope it works out for her. Because I don’t know anybody who would marry her.”

But Jessie did, God bless his soul.

Anyway, she breaks her bouquet and dresses her bridesmaids in slut red. She also pounds drinks on the ride to find new flowers and tries to get the empty cups to stick to her head. She also discusses stealing flowers from a cemetery.

A lot of people clap once man and bride exchange their first kiss. They’re also the type of people who watch videos of train wrecks for entertainment value.

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