Bridezillas: Michelle & Tasha

08/10/2012
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Picture 2 Picture 15 Tasha and Jeff are supposed to get married. Teacher and security guard. He doesn’t match up with any of the ideal-mate characteristics that she lists at the beginning of the show before complaining about everything that pisses her off about him.

Apparently, she won’t give in to the sexing until they’re married. The delay doesn’t bother Tasha because she’s “kinda dreading it.”

She dyes his hair red so he looks more like Clay Aiken. Because she’s totally into Clay Aiken. I don’t think she realizes Clay Aiken is gay. Or maybe she does and her newly created ginger is a beard.

Jeff points out that Tasha “does not have the most rational thought process sometimes.” Kind. This was moments before the cameraman alerted Jeff that Clay Aiken’s gay. He knew not of this detail.

So, she acts like a 5-year-old when trying to get her mom help with some wedding-affair crafting chores. Something involving glue and rhinestones. She ends up hysterically crying in a pick-up. Clay consoles her because, let’s face it, Clay will do anything required of him to tap dat ass.

While getting her nails done, she explains how they’re going to perform a choreographed dance that they’ve been practicing for six months. Her mom points out that she’s not marrying a dancer; the not-a-dancer then calls as she’s in the mani/pedi chair but she rushes off because talking to him prevents her from relaxing.

Then, she starts talking about Clay’s life expectancy, figuring they’ll only be married for 20 years before he dies. And then, she starts wondering aloud whether this is the right thing to do at all.

Aw.

Anyway, personal-childcare-provider Michelle is back for Round Two.

She and friends are attempting to make the wedding cake from box-mix. She complains about their inability to seamlessly perform this task. They complain that the groom-to-be isn’t helping them. He complains that Michelle (who’s relatively attractive in a titsy/hipsy — but not headsy — way for a hollow-eyed and -souled creation) started without him while he was out getting a final tux fitting.

As such, he proceeds to throw the cake-in-progress tray out onto the front lawn. HE REALLY FUCKING WANTED TO BAKE THAT WEDDING CAKE!!1!!

As such, he takes off on foot for a cool-down walkabout.

As such, I’m starting to think we also have a groomzilla on our hands here.

Fast forward to wedding day and she’s pounding five mimosas at the hair salon.

She delivers an unconvincing monologue that this will be the best day of her life. “I’m just so excited,” she says in such a way that says I totally don’t fucking mean this.

This tone continues to the pre-ceremony lineup.

“I don’t care. Let’s just do this. C’mon,” she says to her roomy pops before there’s a wedding-dress-ripping sound effect added to the chorus.

Laughter ensues from the groom’s side of the aisle. They’re met with tears of nervousness. He accepts his vows while holding an infant.

The cameras cut to a guest with green teeth and a bride wishing the show’s producer kills himself, because of the ripped dress with which Ruben had nothing to do.

She’s offered a tranquilizer.

You can tell Michelle’s realized how stupid the decision to go on Bridezillas as a certified bridezilla was. Too bad, toots. The world saw it all!

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