Remember when Bill Simmons, aka “El Wingador,” got popped on cocaine charges not too long ago? Sure you do. Who doesn’t? Well yesterday, the Simmons camp issued a statement about said arrest. Because his is the level of celebrity of which ‘Merica apparently requires public statements.
This comes from a spokesman named — I shit you not — Lex Gable. (Birth name?)
This includes — I shit you not — praise for Gov. Chris Christie’s stance that non-violent drug offenders shouldn’t go the traditional incarceration route. (Gee, wonder why.)
Here, read it:
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
June 27, 2012
BILL “EL WINGADOR” SIMMONS MAKES A STATEMENT AFTER RELEASE FROM JAIL
…and Gains Some New Insight, from the INSIDE, into Gov. Chris Christie’s Plan to Alter the way N.J. Deals with Nonviolent Drug Offenders.“I let down my fans and my family. I made a big GIGANTIC mistake,” stated Bill “El Wingador” Simmons upon his release from jail Monday.
“First off, I want to thank my friends and family and fans for the overwhelming outpouring of support and kindness they have shown me,” said Simmons. “This isn’t me. This isn’t my style. I messed up big time and I give my sincerest apologies to anyone I have hurt by my actions,” said the five time Wing Bowl champ.
There is more to the story. In keeping with El Wingador’s history of charity and community service including work he did over the years for causes such as autism, breast cancer and Katrina victims, Simmons came out of jail with a new found awareness, respect and appreciation for Gov. Chris Christie’s efforts to alter the way New Jersey deals with nonviolent drug offenders.
Not only could this be a blessing for Simmons himself, but for the many nonviolent inmates sent away for long, life destroying, jail terms which obliterate any productive futures they otherwise could have had. Simmons’ short stint turns out to have been a “life changing experience,” as he calls it.
“I got to see first hand the impact hard time for nonviolent offenders has on these young kids facing long sentences giving them no chance at rehabilitation or of ever leading normal, productive lives. I was just in one jail but it struck me that there are thousands of kids in jails all around the country serving really stiff sentences for nonviolent offenses and no one seems to care,” said the competitive eater.
“Simmons is a big hearted guy with a big personality who made a big mistake,” states his attorney David Bahuriak.
Bill expressed how seeing these 18 and 19 year old kids in jail broke his heart. Simmons called his week and a half in the clink, a “life changing experience” which effected a paradigm shift like no other.
“It sounds crazy, but I felt bad leaving. The kids in there all had stories, heartbreak, hardship, horrible circumstances that were no fault of their own and which led them to destruction. They took the wrong paths and many were nonviolent drug offenders like myself. My heart went out to them.
“Here I was sitting there in the same jail, in the same situation at my age, but their situations were so much more tragic than my own. We are talkin’ teenagers who’ve barely had a chance at life and they are locked up indefinitely. These kids in jail gravitated to me for support and understanding. I talked to them. I listened to them. I felt their pain. These guys need a second chance.
“What most of them did was nonviolent and they were essentially good people who made some bad choices, like I did….an old guy who made a bad choice. It hit me like a lightning bolt; Making a bad mistake does not make someone a bad person. I know I’m not a bad person, just a big dummy and I’m asking not to be judged by this one thing. These kids I met in jail were the same as me.
“It humbled me and made me realize I want to help them. I’m not someone coming from the outside saying, ‘Hey kid I know what you need,’ NO, I’m a guy who made the SAME exact mistake, a guy sitting there in the same orange jumpsuit as them…and I was old enough to know better, so they identify with me and vice versa,” said Simmons.
“No matter what happens to me I’m going to do anything I can to help these kids from the inside or the outside, hopefully from the outside, but I vow to help them regardless. That was one thing I learned from all this, and believe it or not, I’m really grateful for that,” said Simmons.
Incredibly humbled by the experience, El Wingador appreciates all the positive encouragement and support he has received from his many fans. He expressed great remorse for letting down his family, friends and fans and just wants everyone to know he is sorry and thanks all for their kindness and consideration during this difficult time.
Listen, I like Bill, even if he signed off on a blatantly transparent, “whoa, these kids in jail have it hard, don’t they?” position paper.
But, this is — I shit you not — absolutely absurd.
You know what I’d actually like to read? Lex Gable compiling quotes from those kids inside who don’t have enough coin squirreled away from shoving wings down their throats (etc.) to make bail.