Mike is a 27-year-old accountant from Strong Island who used to be a fat kid and uses those life experiences to look past superficiality. He looks like an extra from Full Metal Jacket.
Candace, also 27, is from Post Falls, Idaho. She likes monster trucks, guns and wearing her hat backwards. “I like being dirty, and I need a man who’s going to get dirty with me,” says Candace, who is ready to connect on a “soul-based level.”
She cannot wait to see Mike naked on the jungle-ropes course. She hopes she doesn’t “shame my family.” It’s probably too late.
Per Mike, Candace has nice boobs. Per Candace, Mike’s a city boy with a really nice butt.
We’ve reached the inevitable point in the series when dates are replicated. If you’ve seen naked people ziplining once, you’ve seen naked ziplining a million times.
They discuss career paths while on the ‘zlines. She bartends. He counts numbers. They connected. Felt each other over shared vulnerabilities. The reason why Dating Naked was created.
Over dinner, the glare off of Mike’s forehead is such that those with sensitive eyes could lose their sight in perpetuity. She seems chill, even when clothed, even when she reduces Mike to factors of attractiveness, stopping just short of catcalling, just before inquiring whether he’s ever sexed in a pool.
Candace thinks banging this “nerdy kid, sexy” dude on a first date, in front of a TV-shows cameras, in a pool, for the first time ever, would “be romantic.”
And just as soon as publicly losing one’s pool-sex virginity is broached, they are begrudgingly onto their second dates.
Sweet Lord Jesus, where’d they find this craycray puddle of gigglin’ rabbit-microwaving insanity that goes by the name of Diana from Voorhees, NJ. Talks like her jaw is wired shut.
She doesn’t have a filter. She’s “spontaneous, fun.” She meets “creeps” who are “out for sex” or just “boring.” This likely has nothing to do with her insanity.
Diana isn’t very good at playing croquet. She admits she got kicked off the naked water slide at Hedonism because she was too drunk on rum.
Her ex knocked his side piece up, so that’s why she’s trying her hand at love on VH1. Trust issues are a problem after said impregnation. She thinks they’re connecting as Mike is acting very “gentlemany.” And this is cool. Mike “is the one,” and she wants to settle down.
Mike, however, has less than zero interest in moving forward with this relationship with a woman who will describe herself as the “glamor bombshell” type.
Candace’s second date introduces himself as “Butt Naked.” Or is it “Buck Naked”? LMFAO. GET IT? GET IT??????
Regardless, J.D. from L.A. is wearing a hat. And a firefighter. With a beard. They will ride bikes today. We quickly learn that naked bikeriding is tough on one’s testicles if one has testicles.
Fast forward to the naked beach conversation: J.D. is just all babbling and Candace ain’t feeling a lick of attention to the point that she isn’t likely to offer him pool sex. He is a boredom creator.
Mike and Candace are still making eyes at each other, obvi.
This is as awkward a pool scene as this show has seen. So Mike and Candace head off into the moonset. They rap on a hammock, all but refusing to engage Miss Crazy and Mr. Boredom.
Back to the pool, Diana’s getting all hopped up on the booze and calling Candace a bush chick without boobs and this al.way.zzz happens to her. Life is soes unfair. Why can’t people love me for meeeeeeeee?
They show Mike and Candace parting ways into their respective rooms before moving on to …
Dates Three!
Mike draws Amber, a “good package” with long legs and “nice boobs” from L.A.
She says she’s “great at giving massages” and she “puts everything in my mouth.” That latter was in reference to foodstuffs, not the massage. She puts nothing in her mouth while massaging the guy from Strong Island, not even the dessert toppings she applies to his body.
Candace draws Marcus, a “really good-looking guy; tall, chiseled, well-hung.”
He goes to Florida International University. He thinks Candace has “a nice little butt on her.” She doesn’t particularly like the fact that he’s set aside dating so it wouldn’t interfere with his ability to party. They fly a kite together.
As has been the case with many episodes of this show, the lead participants have been given two reasonably matched options and one basket of not-happenin’.
Turns into an Oprah Couch session. Diana is spilling her heart and Amber’s egging it on.
While Mike is trapped in this situation, Marcus takes advantage of Candace being alone (as she waits for a Mike who comes waaaaaay too late) to swoop in and steal a kiss.
I’m not sure how this was edited, but it looks like Crazy Diana has been prattling on for hours on end, thus costing Mike his chance to catch up with Candace.
That’s ice cold.
Anyway, as expected, Mike picks Candace. This bleeds in to Amber discussing how people ALWAYS choose her, because she’s so awesome. 🙁
Then, Candace picks … [commercial break] … Marcus or Mike, Mike or Marcus, Marcus or Mike, Mike or Marcus … MARCUS!
Crazypants starts giggling when Candace doesn’t pick Mike. She is bat-shit insane and the cause of this loss. Boo fucking hiss, lady. People of South Jersey: At all costs, avoid Diana from Voorhees.
You’ve been warned.