When there’s an election in Philly, you damn well know that I’ve requested the write-in votes to share with you on this here site. This year’s mayoral/council/etc. primaries are no different.
While the big races featured limited write-ins — as folks were zeroed in on the balloted candidates — there were still a slew of noteworthy votes to share.
A quick summary before the deeper dive:
Gritty did very well, as should be expected of the city’s love for its agent of chaos.
“Penis” also drew a fair share of votes, as did various Sixers, Phillies and Eagles (Go Birds). Deez Nuts did, too.
Supervised Injection Sites drew a couple votes of support, as did anti-Christopher Columbus sentiment, which was nice if only because it’ll piss already-angry people off. Anti-incumbent votes (particularly in the council races) were more volumunuous than in previous elections, as well.
I did not include votes cast for disgraced former presidents and exercised my God-given right to exclude people — be they international, national or local — that I just don’t like. Whatever. Go find them yourselves if you think you’re missing and use this as a reflective time to become a better person. (Or shoot me a message and I can search the dozens of spreadsheets shared with me by the good people at the City Commissioner’s Office, without whom this tradition would not have carried on. God bless you each and every one).
I’ve included the top write-in recipient atop each separate race, as well.
We’ll start with the Sheriff’s Race as that drew the most highlights, including one for Christopher Dorner which was unexpected:
Sheriff Dem. (Abolish/Eliminate/Remove This Office 98)
Gritty 79
ACAB 45 (There is an additional “Gritty ACAB” vote)
Defund/Abolish Police 14
Mark Fusetti 10
Joel Embiid 10
Spongebob 6
Jalen Hurts 5
Deez Nuts 5
Fuck Cops 4
Taylor Swift 4
Bryce Harper 3
Chuck Norris 3
Larry Krasner 3
PJ Tucker 3
Woody From Toy Story 3
Andy Griffith 2
Bob Marley 2
Hunter Biden 2
Phillie Phanatic 2
Tyrese Maxey 2
Andre Blake
Asa Khalif
Ayn Rand
Bball Paul
Ben Dover
Beyonce Knowles
Bob Dylan
Boner
Borat Sagdiyev
Brandon Marsh
Buford P. Justice
Cheese
Cherie Honkala
Christopher Dorner
Clown Car
Corrupt Asshole
Danny Devito
Dawn Staley
Disco the Greyhound
Doc Rivers
Dudley Do Right
Ed Balls
Elections are Rigged
Elmo
Fergus Carey
Frank Zappa
Fred McQuiggan
Frederic McQuiggan
Free Them All
Fudge Baker
Gene Ween
George Floyd
Ginger Susan
Hamburglar
Honesty
James Harden
Jason Kelce
Jesse Ventura
Jimmy Stewart
John Snow
Karl Marx
Kick Her Out And Start Over
Lane Johnson
Long John Silver
Matt Dillon
McGruff the Crime Dog
Mike Africa Jr.
My Balls
My Butt
None of these Losers
Pedro Pascal
Penis
Piss (with a smiley face after it)
Porky Pig
Rachel Maddow
Ranger Suarez
Reba McIntire
Rhys Hoskins
Rob Zombie
Robocop
Sheriff of Nottingham
Skulltrooper From Fortnite
South Park
Yeehaw Cowboy
Sheriff Rep. (Rochelle Bilal 33)
Gritty
Jalen Hurts
Now, onto the Mayoral and City Council races:
Mayor Dem. (David Oh 49)
Derek Green 5
Maria Quinones Sanchez 4
Hoodhealer
John Street
Mumia Abu Jamal
Philly Captain
RFK Jr.
Steve-O
These Choices Are Terrible
Vladimir Putin
Mayor Rep. (Allan Domb 183)
Jeff Brown 117
Cherelle Parker 102
Rebecca Rhynhart 86
Helen Gym 44
Martina White 6
Amen Brown 5
Adam Domb
Adomdome
Alian Domb
Allan Bohm
Bryce Harper
Cooz!
Damb
Dome
Dom
Do Mb
Donald Trump
Frank Rizzo
I Vote Cherelle Parker Mayor
Jalen Hurts
Jimmy Deleon
Larry Krasner
Malcolm X
Maria Quinones Sanchez
Rebacca Heart
Rebeca Reinheatr
Taylor Swift
Council At Large Dem. (Sam Oropeza 83)
Corrupt 5
Jesus 5
Penis 5
Gritty 4
Joe Cox 2
None of the Above 5
The People 2
Philly 2
Allah
Allen Iverson
Asa Khalif
Batman
Bobby Henon
Charles Manson
Francis The Big Man Rigler
J. Conor Corcoran
Derek Jeter
Dikembe Mutombo
Empolyees
I’m Sleepy
Jason Voorhees
Kareem-A-Wheat
Law and Order
Little Rascals (Spanky, Alfafa, Darla)
Oprah
Pop N Fresh
Porky
Spud McKenzie
Superman
The Joker
They All Suck
Ukee Washington
Wonder Woman
ZZZZZ
Council At Large Rep. (Isaiah Thomas 39)
Job Itzkowitz 8
Me 5
Jalen Hurts 2
Kanye 2
Chicken Nugget
Hewlett Packard For President
1st District Council Dem. (Amanda McIllmurray 9; a lot of anti-Squilla sentiment)
Gritty 15 (Grittney 1)
Bryce Harper 4
Tyrese Maxey 3
Amanda Huginkiss 2
Ben Wildflower 2
Jalen Hurts 2
Job Itzkowitz 2
A Ham Sandwich
An Overdose Preventer
Angelo Bruno
Anyone Else That Has A Spine
Ben Franklin
Cardboard
Claire Adler
Daniel Craig
Doc Rivers
Deez Nuts
Fuck Chris Columbus
Fuck Twardy
Harambe
Homer Simpson
Jason Kelce
Lil Buckaroo Butterscotch
Martha Graham Cracker
Spongebob Squarepants
Stephen Curry
Supervised Injection Sites
Taylor Swift
Three Lanes on Washington
Vision Zero
Zack Wheeler
1st District Rep. (Mark Squilla 14)
Don’t No
2nd District Council Dem. (Gritty 71)
Ori Feibush 39
Lauren Vidas 32
Job Itzkowitz 8
Jalen Hurts 6
Joel Embiid 6
Jason Kelce 3
Deez Nuts 3
Abraham Lincoln
Al Capone
Allen Iverson
Any Non Criminal
Anyone But Kenyatta Johnson (several variations thereof)
Anyone Less Corrupt
Bart Simpson
Bernie Sanders
Beyonce
Bike Lanes
Boaty McBoatface
Bobby Henon
Bozo The Clown
Brian Dawkins
Bryce Harper
Captain Sensible
Dog Turd
Don Lemon
Dr. J
Dylan My Dog
Elmo
Elvis Presley
FBI
Fix Washington Avenue
George Clinton
He Is A Crook
Incumbent Is A Crook
Kenyatta Failed Us On Washington Ave.
Kriminal Johnson
Literally Anyone Else
Literally Any Other Philadelphian
Lord Buckethead
Mo Salah
No Criminals
No Fucking Way
No Thank You
Pee Wee Herman
Penguin
Philly Elmo/Elmo Drumline
Rather Vote For Hitler
Safe Injection Site
Seymour Butts
Shaq
Snoop Dogg
Steve Jeltz
Term Limits
Tyrese Maxey
Vision Zero
Washington Avenue
We Need Crosswalks
2nd District Council Rep. (Kenyatta Johnson 8)
3rd District Council Dem. (Jabari Jones 11)
Joel Embiid 2
A Competitive Election
Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson
My Balls
Penile Enlargement Surgery
Penis
3rd District Council Rep. (Jamie Gauther 2)
4th District Council Dem. (Darrel Smith Jr. 12)
Gritty 4
Mumia Abu Jamal 2
Cobbs Creek Trees 2
Deez Nuts 2
Do Nothing Jones
Jeffrey A. Mitchell
Kenn Kweder
Michael Africa
Michael Murphy
Nick Foles
Shit
Someone Who Doesn’t Take Bribe
4th District Council Rep. (Curtis Jones 4)
5th District Dem. (Robin Aluko 611)
Gritty 3
Sophie Bryan 3
Mumia 2
Taylor Swift 2
Bozo
Bryson Stott
Cat Woman
Dick Johnson
Dominique Landry
Elmo
Eric Andre
Fuck This Guy
Haha
Han Solo
J. Conor Corcoran
Jalen Hurts
Larry Krasner
Lauren Rinaldi
Mike Schmidt
No Suitable Candidate
Not a Homophobe
Philly Elmo
Prince
Sandra Bullock
5th District Rep. (Jeffrey Jay Young Jr. 5)
Jalen Hurts
6th District Dem. (Jim Hasher 4)
Hexorius
Stop Developing the River
6th District Rep. (Mike Driscoll 10)
7th District Dem. (Blank 3)
Mike Oxsmall
7th District Rep. (Quetcy Lozada 8)
I Don’t See The Name In This Column
8th District Dem. (Carla Cain 6)
Disco The Dog 2
Tyrese Maxey
Vladimir Putin
8th District Rep. (Cindy Bass 8)
9th District Dem. (Janay Hawthorne 6)
9th District Rep. (Anthony Phillips 6)
10th District Dem. (Brian O’Neill 6)
An Actual Democrat
Dylan “One Beer Queer” Mulvaney
10th District Rep. (Void 5)
Jalen Hurts
And, the judicial elections:
Supreme Court Dem. (Carolyn Carluccio 11)
Gritty 10
Bryce Harper 2
A Fistful of Mud
AOC
Attorney Michael Coard X
Bam Margera
J. Conor Corcoran
Jalen Hurts
Joshua Scott Albert
Me Myself and I
Mumia Abu Jamal
Penis
RFK Jr.
Will Smith
You Are All Corrupt
Supreme Court Rep. (Daniel McCaffery 50)
Jalen Hurts
No More MAGA
Superior Court Dem. (Maria Battista and Harry Smail Jr. 9 each)
Gritty 6
Open Primaries 2
Penis 2
J. Conor Corcoran
Deez Nuts
Epstein Didn’t Kill Himself
Jordan Peele
Law and Order
R. Bradley Maule
RFK Jr.
You Are All Crooks
Superior Court Rep. (Timika Lane 58)
Homer Simpson
Jalen Hurts
No More MAGA
Commonwealth Court Dem. (Megan Martin 10)
Gritty 3
Jordan Peele 2
R. Bradley Maule 2
Johnny Cochran
Matt Judge
Penis
Satan
Steve-O
Commonwealth Court Rep. (Matt Wolf 42)
Jalen Hurts 2
No More MAGA
Court of Common Pleas Dem. (Barbara Thompson 9)
Penis 9
Gritty 6
How The Hell Should I Know 5
RFK Jr. 5
Jesus Christ 4
You Are All Crooks 3
Derek Jeter 2
Philly 2
Solomon Jones 2
Allen Iverson 2
Chase Utley 2
Baba Booey
Bobby McFerrin
Brandon Marsh
Buster Cherry
Chris Brennan
Deez Nuts
Dikembe Mutombo
Do Anything For the People
Doctor Doom
Dwayne Johnson
George Soros
Gus the Groundhog
J.Conor Corcoran
Law and Order
Liz Spikol
Monkey Man
Mr. Hankey “The Christmas Poop”
No DEI
Philly Phanatic
R. Bradley Maule
Taylor Swift
Terry Gross
Tyrese Maxey
Vagina
Court of Common Pleas Rep. (Natasha Taylor Smith 60)
Party No Limit Here 5
Jalen Hurts 3
Bryce Harper
Dom Giordano
Fuck Trump
Optimus Prime
Red Power Ranger
Municipal Court Dem. (Caroline Turner 113)
Gritty 18
Phanatic 5
Beats Me 2
Dan Gross 2
Penis 2
RFK Jr. 2
ACAB
AJ Brown
Alex Jones
Barbie
Bryce Harper
Connor Roy/Kendall Roy
Dawn Staley
Devonta Smith
Disco the Dog
Dr. Oz
Dumbledore
Furkan Korkmaz
I Hate Poll Workers
James Harden
Joe Mama
Joel Embiid
Jordan Peele
Judge Judy
Mao Zedong
My Ass
Paul Reed
Shaq
Stu Bykovsky
You Are Crooks
Zelda
Municipal Court Rep. (Barbara Thomson 45)
Help Us
Jalen Hurts
Oh No
Finally, the Miscellaneous Collection (City Controller, Commissioner, Register of Wills):
City Commissioner Dem. (Jarrett Smith 157)
Gritty 11
Joel Embiid 8
Al Schmidt 6
Jason Kelce 6
Bryce Harper 4
ACAB 3
Billy Joel 2
Chase Utley 2
Fergus Carey 2
No Thanks 2
Penis 2
Ron Desantis 2
Beavis
Bernie Sanders 2
Butthead 2
Howie Roseman 2
Bob Ross
Bradley Cooper
Chance the Dog
Daryl Hall/John Oates (each separartely)
Disco the Dog
Dylan “One Beer Queer” Mulvaney
Election Fraud
Is this even a race?
Homer Simpson
Jerry Blavat
Jalen Hurts
Lower Property Taxes
Mark Macon
Marmaduke
Michael Coard
Millhouse Van Houten
Paul Reed
Pete Rose
Scgobert Doo
Shrek
Von Hayes
What is the point?
Your Mom
Your Mom II
City Commissioner Rep. (Lisa Deeley 46)
Jalen Hurts
Tucker Carlson
City Controller Dem. (Aaron Bashir 11)
Gritty 6
Abe Vigoda
ACAB
Prophet Muhammad
Sex Workers Who Aren’t Hunt (Alexandra Hunt got a lot of write-ins despite this.)
The Columbus Monument on Delaware Avenue is hideous and has no artistic value.
Throw Out This Ballot Demonrat
City Controller Rep. (Christy Brady 44)
Al Schmidt
Cooz
Jalen Hurts
Register of Wills Dem. (Linwood Holland 11)
Abolish This Office 4
Gritty 4
Deez Nuts
Dracula
Grim Reaper
John Chaney
Kanye West
Penis
Rachel Maddow
Shrek
Register of Wills Rep. (John Sabatina 32)
Cooz!
Dani Rojas
I Don’t No
Jalen Hurts
Taylor Swift