Here Are The Write-In Votes From The May 2023 Primaries In Philadelphia

When there’s an election in Philly, you damn well know that I’ve requested the write-in votes to share with you on this here site. This year’s mayoral/council/etc. primaries are no different.

While the big races featured limited write-ins — as folks were zeroed in on the balloted candidates — there were still a slew of noteworthy votes to share.

A quick summary before the deeper dive:

Gritty did very well, as should be expected of the city’s love for its agent of chaos.

“Penis” also drew a fair share of votes, as did various Sixers, Phillies and Eagles (Go Birds). Deez Nuts did, too.

Supervised Injection Sites drew a couple votes of support, as did anti-Christopher Columbus sentiment, which was nice if only because it’ll piss already-angry people off. Anti-incumbent votes (particularly in the council races) were more volumunuous than in previous elections, as well.

I did not include votes cast for disgraced former presidents and exercised my God-given right to exclude people — be they international, national or local — that I just don’t like. Whatever. Go find them yourselves if you think you’re missing and use this as a reflective time to become a better person. (Or shoot me a message and I can search the dozens of spreadsheets shared with me by the good people at the City Commissioner’s Office, without whom this tradition would not have carried on. God bless you each and every one).

I’ve included the top write-in recipient atop each separate race, as well.

We’ll start with the Sheriff’s Race as that drew the most highlights, including one for Christopher Dorner which was unexpected:

Sheriff Dem. (Abolish/Eliminate/Remove This Office 98)

Gritty 79

ACAB 45 (There is an additional “Gritty ACAB” vote)

Benjamin Wildflower 13

Defund/Abolish Police 14

Mark Fusetti 10

Joel Embiid 10

Spongebob 6

Jalen Hurts 5

Deez Nuts 5

Fuck Cops 4

Taylor Swift 4

Bryce Harper 3

Chuck Norris 3

Larry Krasner 3

PJ Tucker 3

Woody From Toy Story 3

Andy Griffith 2

Bob Marley 2

Hunter Biden 2

Phillie Phanatic 2

Richard Tamaccio Jr. 2

Tyrese Maxey 2

Andre Blake

Asa Khalif

Ayn Rand

Bball Paul

Ben Dover

Beyonce Knowles

Bob Dylan


Borat Sagdiyev

Brandon Marsh

Buford P. Justice


Cherie Honkala

Christopher Dorner

Clown Car

Corrupt Asshole

Danny Devito

Dawn Staley

Disco the Greyhound

Doc Rivers

Dudley Do Right

Ed Balls

Elections are Rigged


Fergus Carey

Frank Zappa

Fred McQuiggan

Frederic McQuiggan

Free Them All

Fudge Baker

Gene Ween

George Floyd

Ginger Susan



James Harden

Jason Kelce

Jesse Ventura

Jimmy Stewart

John Snow

Karl Marx

Kick Her Out And Start Over

Lane Johnson

Long John Silver

Matt Dillon

McGruff the Crime Dog

Mike Africa Jr.

My Balls

My Butt

None of these Losers

Pedro Pascal


Piss (with a smiley face after it)

Porky Pig

Rachel Maddow

Ranger Suarez

Reba McIntire

Rhys Hoskins

Rob Zombie


Sheriff of Nottingham

Skulltrooper From Fortnite

South Park

Yeehaw Cowboy


Sheriff Rep. (Rochelle Bilal 33)


Jalen Hurts


Now, onto the Mayoral and City Council races:


Mayor Dem. (David Oh 49)

Derek Green 5

Maria Quinones Sanchez 4


John Street

Mumia Abu Jamal

Philly Captain



These Choices Are Terrible

Vladimir Putin


Mayor Rep. (Allan Domb 183)

Jeff Brown 117

Cherelle Parker 102

Rebecca Rhynhart 86

Helen Gym 44

Martina White 6

Amen Brown 5

Adam Domb


Alian Domb

Allan Bohm

Bryce Harper





Do Mb

Donald Trump

Frank Rizzo

I Vote Cherelle Parker Mayor

Jalen Hurts

Jimmy Deleon

Larry Krasner

Malcolm X

Maria Quinones Sanchez

Rebacca Heart

Rebeca Reinheatr

Taylor Swift

The Philly Captain


Council At Large Dem. (Sam Oropeza 83)

Corrupt 5

Jesus 5

Penis 5

Gritty 4

Joe Cox 2

None of the Above 5

The People 2

Philly 2


Allen Iverson

Asa Khalif


Bobby Henon

Charles Manson

Francis The Big Man Rigler

J. Conor Corcoran

Derek Jeter

Dikembe Mutombo


I’m Sleepy

Jason Voorhees


Law and Order

Little Rascals (Spanky, Alfafa, Darla)


Pop N Fresh


Spud McKenzie


The Joker

They All Suck

Ukee Washington

Wonder Woman



Council At Large Rep. (Isaiah Thomas 39)

Job Itzkowitz 8

Me 5

Jalen Hurts 2

Kanye 2

Chicken Nugget

Hewlett Packard For President


1st District Council Dem. (Amanda McIllmurray 9; a lot of anti-Squilla sentiment)

Gritty 15 (Grittney 1)

Bryce Harper 4

Tyrese Maxey 3

Amanda Huginkiss 2

Ben Wildflower 2

Jalen Hurts 2

Job Itzkowitz 2

A Ham Sandwich

An Overdose Preventer

Angelo Bruno

Anyone Else That Has A Spine

Ben Franklin


Claire Adler

Daniel Craig

Doc Rivers

Deez Nuts

Fuck Chris Columbus

Fuck Twardy


Homer Simpson

Jason Kelce

Lil Buckaroo Butterscotch

Martha Graham Cracker

Spongebob Squarepants

Stephen Curry

Supervised Injection Sites

Taylor Swift

Three Lanes on Washington

Vision Zero

Zack Wheeler


1st District Rep. (Mark Squilla 14)

Don’t No
2nd District Council Dem. (Gritty 71)

Ori Feibush 39

Lauren Vidas 32

Job Itzkowitz 8

Jalen Hurts 6

Joel Embiid 6

Jason Kelce 3

Deez Nuts 3

Abraham Lincoln

Al Capone

Allen Iverson

Any Non Criminal

Anyone But Kenyatta Johnson (several variations thereof)

Anyone Less Corrupt

Bart Simpson

Bernie Sanders


Bike Lanes

Boaty McBoatface

Bobby Henon

Bozo The Clown

Brian Dawkins

Bryce Harper

Captain Sensible

Dog Turd

Don Lemon

Dr. J

Dylan My Dog


Elvis Presley


Fix Washington Avenue

George Clinton

He Is A Crook

Incumbent Is A Crook

Kenyatta Failed Us On Washington Ave.

Kriminal Johnson

Literally Anyone Else

Literally Any Other Philadelphian

Lord Buckethead

Mo Salah

No Criminals

No Fucking Way

No Thank You

Pee Wee Herman


Philly Elmo/Elmo Drumline

Rather Vote For Hitler

Safe Injection Site

Seymour Butts


Snoop Dogg

Steve Jeltz

Term Limits

Tyrese Maxey

Vision Zero

Washington Avenue

We Need Crosswalks


2nd District Council Rep. (Kenyatta Johnson 8)


3rd District Council Dem. (Jabari Jones 11)

Joel Embiid 2

A Competitive Election

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson

My Balls

Penile Enlargement Surgery



3rd District Council Rep. (Jamie Gauther 2)


4th District Council Dem. (Darrel Smith Jr. 12)

Gritty 4

Mumia Abu Jamal 2

Cobbs Creek Trees 2

Deez Nuts 2

Do Nothing Jones

Jeffrey A. Mitchell

Kenn Kweder

Michael Africa

Michael Murphy

Nick Foles


Someone Who Doesn’t Take Bribe


4th District Council Rep. (Curtis Jones 4)



5th District Dem. (Robin Aluko 611)

Gritty 3

Sophie Bryan 3

Mumia 2

Taylor Swift 2


Bryson Stott

Cat Woman

Dick Johnson

Dominique Landry


Eric Andre

Fuck This Guy


Han Solo

J. Conor Corcoran

Jalen Hurts

Larry Krasner

Lauren Rinaldi

Mike Schmidt

No Suitable Candidate

Not a Homophobe

Philly Elmo


Sandra Bullock


5th District Rep. (Jeffrey Jay Young Jr. 5)

Jalen Hurts


6th District Dem. (Jim Hasher 4)


Stop Developing the River


6th District Rep. (Mike Driscoll 10)


7th District Dem. (Blank 3)

Mike Oxsmall


7th District Rep. (Quetcy Lozada 8)

I Don’t See The Name In This Column


8th District Dem. (Carla Cain 6)

Disco The Dog 2

Tyrese Maxey

Vladimir Putin


8th District Rep. (Cindy Bass 8)

9th District Dem. (Janay Hawthorne 6)

9th District Rep. (Anthony Phillips 6)


10th District Dem. (Brian O’Neill 6)

An Actual Democrat

Dylan “One Beer Queer” Mulvaney


10th District Rep. (Void 5)

Jalen Hurts


And, the judicial elections:

Supreme Court Dem. (Carolyn Carluccio 11)

Gritty 10

Bryce Harper 2

A Fistful of Mud


Attorney Michael Coard X

Bam Margera

J. Conor Corcoran

Jalen Hurts

Joshua Scott Albert

Me Myself and I

Mumia Abu Jamal



Will Smith

You Are All Corrupt


Supreme Court Rep. (Daniel McCaffery 50)

Jalen Hurts

No More MAGA


Superior Court Dem. (Maria Battista and Harry Smail Jr. 9 each)

Gritty 6

Open Primaries 2

Penis 2

J. Conor Corcoran

Deez Nuts

Epstein Didn’t Kill Himself

Jordan Peele

Law and Order

R. Bradley Maule


You Are All Crooks


Superior Court Rep. (Timika Lane 58)

Homer Simpson

Jalen Hurts

No More MAGA


Commonwealth Court Dem. (Megan Martin 10)

Gritty 3

Jordan Peele 2

R. Bradley Maule 2

Johnny Cochran

Matt Judge





Commonwealth Court Rep. (Matt Wolf 42)

Jalen Hurts 2

No More MAGA


Court of Common Pleas Dem. (Barbara Thompson 9)

Penis 9

Gritty 6

How The Hell Should I Know 5

RFK Jr. 5

Jesus Christ 4

You Are All Crooks 3

Derek Jeter 2

Philly 2

Solomon Jones 2

Allen Iverson 2

Chase Utley 2

Baba Booey

Bobby McFerrin

Brandon Marsh

Buster Cherry

Chris Brennan

Deez Nuts

Dikembe Mutombo

Do Anything For the People

Doctor Doom

Dwayne Johnson

George Soros

Gus the Groundhog

J.Conor Corcoran

Law and Order

Liz Spikol

Monkey Man

Mr. Hankey “The Christmas Poop”


Philly Phanatic

R. Bradley Maule

Taylor Swift

Terry Gross

Tyrese Maxey



Court of Common Pleas Rep. (Natasha Taylor Smith 60)

Party No Limit Here 5

Jalen Hurts 3

Bryce Harper

Dom Giordano

Fuck Trump

Optimus Prime

Red Power Ranger


Municipal Court Dem. (Caroline Turner 113)

Gritty 18

Phanatic 5

Beats Me 2

Dan Gross 2

Penis 2

RFK Jr. 2


AJ Brown

Alex Jones


Bryce Harper

Connor Roy/Kendall Roy

Dawn Staley

Devonta Smith

Disco the Dog

Dr. Oz


Furkan Korkmaz

I Hate Poll Workers

James Harden

Joe Mama

Joel Embiid

Jordan Peele

Judge Judy

Mao Zedong

My Ass

Paul Reed


Stu Bykovsky

You Are Crooks



Municipal Court Rep. (Barbara Thomson 45)

Help Us

Jalen Hurts

Oh No

Finally, the Miscellaneous Collection (City Controller, Commissioner, Register of Wills):

City Commissioner Dem. (Jarrett Smith 157)

Gritty 11

Joel Embiid 8

Al Schmidt 6

Jason Kelce 6

Bryce Harper 4


Billy Joel 2

Chase Utley 2

Fergus Carey 2

No Thanks 2

Penis 2

Ron Desantis 2


Bernie Sanders 2

Butthead 2

Howie Roseman 2

Bob Ross

Bradley Cooper

Chance the Dog

Daryl Hall/John Oates (each separartely)

Disco the Dog

Dylan “One Beer Queer” Mulvaney

Election Fraud

Is this even a race?

Homer Simpson

Jerry Blavat

Jalen Hurts

Lower Property Taxes

Mark Macon


Michael Coard

Millhouse Van Houten

Paul Reed

Pete Rose

Scgobert Doo


Von Hayes

What is the point?

Your Mom

Your Mom II


City Commissioner Rep. (Lisa Deeley 46)

Jalen Hurts

Tucker Carlson


City Controller Dem. (Aaron Bashir 11)

Gritty 6

Abe Vigoda


Prophet Muhammad

Sex Workers Who Aren’t Hunt (Alexandra Hunt got a lot of write-ins despite this.)

The Columbus Monument on Delaware Avenue is hideous and has no artistic value.

Throw Out This Ballot Demonrat


City Controller Rep. (Christy Brady 44)

Al Schmidt


Jalen Hurts


Register of Wills Dem. (Linwood Holland 11)

Abolish This Office 4

Gritty 4

Deez Nuts


Grim Reaper

John Chaney

Kanye West


Rachel Maddow



Register of Wills Rep. (John Sabatina 32)


Dani Rojas

I Don’t No

Jalen Hurts

Taylor Swift

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