Eat-Sh*t-and-Die: The Contest!

With all deference to his gym-teacher father — who I’ve genuinely come to respect as a lifelong educator (and one who was forced to put up with my backtalk for six elementary school years) — Haddon Township’s “Poo Manchu” came correct in Camden County court yesterday admitting he did, in fact, drop a deuce in a classmate’s beverage during Haddon Township High auto-shop.

I’m sure his at-home punishment involves sit-ups, push-ups and man-lift-and-carries to the point that he begs for mercy. But, according to the Daily News’ Jason Nark, here’s the legal implications of said “prank.”

There are plenty of reasons why eating feces is bad for you, and a judge has ordered the South Jersey teen who defecated in a classmate’s soda to detail them all in an essay.

Prosecutors dropped an aggravated-assault charge against the 17-year-old Haddon Township High School student after he pleaded guilty in Camden County Superior Court yesterday to tampering with a food product. As a result, he’ll be on probation, and must serve 200 hours of community service and apologize to the victim by letter.

Superior Court Judge Angelo DiCamillo also ordered the teen, a standout athlete at the high school, to submit a 1,000-word report, with footnotes, “on the problems and diseases associated with fecal matter being ingested by humans,” the Camden County Prosecutor’s Office said.

All of which gives me an idea to issue a challenge to my readers: Whomever submits, to me, via email (hickey at brianphickey.com), the best up-to-1,000-word explanation of “Why Eating Poo Is Not Good To Do,” will win a yet-to-be-determined prize. I’m leaning toward a Big Gulp or a Slurpee, but not a chocolate Slurpee because, quite frankly, until I read your essay, I don’t fully comprehend why fecal injestion is, in fact, bad for you.

Get working. Footnotes not necessary, but extra-credit points could be the determining factor. Corroborating video testimony also accepted. I’ll post notably entries on this here site.