Traci Hollon vs. Robert Birch

Picture 15 Picture 16 Oh, these four. Not two, because Traci Hollon — who, make no mistake about it is crazy-ass crazy — brings her mammy into Divorce Court and Robert Birch — who needs to call that number in the Katy Perry proactiwhatever commercial — brings his pal with him, too.

This toothy chick complains about how her ex-man did some diddling at one of her cousin’s bachelor party and her family fucking dimed him out for being in a room with two strippers. This, though Robert says he didn’t do no touching. But the bigger issue here is her fucking asshole relatives who decided to call Ms. Toothy mid-fucking-party to dime him out.

Now, in Traci’s defense, she justifies looking into Robert’s sexual past because “They’re not some of the cleanest girls.” Look at this dude. Of course he’s not pulling cleanest-girl cooz. Not for nothing, but she’s lucky he doesn’t pass a Fleshlight around a motel room with three pals.

Anyway, Mama Hollon don’t seem to like Robert all that much. But that’s really not surprising. What’s surprising is what Robert’s friend Marcellus Holt has to say when he testifies.

“One day, me and Robert was outside. My girl came through. I went inside for a minute and I came back outside and Robert was taking to my girlfriend and next thing you, now Traci comes outside and starts getting on his head. She didn’t ask who the girl was.”

Robert: “I actually thought she was going to hit the girl.”

Traci: “Oh, which one of his girls? This girl that he was talking to, was talking to my husband, and Mr. Holt over there has so many girls he talks to all the time …”

At which point Mr. Holt over there is licking his lips.

“…He’s constantly on the phone with girls. He’s constantly got girls coming around.”

Then she gets into how Mr. Holt should stick with one lady so she won’t worry that one of them “is sitting there talking to my husband about God knows what.”

Insanity is so difficult to follow. But I can make this much of it: Traci Hollon is central casting for “dame who looks like she’d be totally fucking wild in bed, but that’s because she’ll microwave your pet rabbit even if she doesn’t know who you are, and doesn’t even value the taste of sweet, succulent rabbit meat.”

Side note: There’s a hot chick in the audience — blonde, backpack — that’s been there before. Is she some sort of Divorce Court groupie?!

Anyway, Mama Hollon says Rabbit Slayer calls every once in a while crying that there’s no food in the house, which Robert chalks up to R.S. not getting her crazy ass off the couch and going to buy any food.

Somebody should have given these two the $500 they got for a Divorce Court appearance. The world’s a lesser place because they didn’t.

But keep on keepin’ on, Mr. Holt. It won’t be long till you see Traci peeking in your windows.

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