Marriage Boot Camp: Reality Stars (Episode Three)

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Today, the Marriage Boot Camp “stars” will play a game in which they throw medicine balls at one another. The medicine is an issue word(s) written thereupon.

By throw, I mean place on the ball in front of their significant other which, in turn, will spark a public wordfight. Like how Jacob tells ass-injected Natalie that she makes him so mad he could end up in jail.

Syreena and Kiwane still seem as if they’re here for legitimate-ish reasons. And they cool.

Aviva and Reid are carrying on about the demands of public attention AND I STILL DON’T KNOW WHO THEY ARE. DON’T THEY REALIZE THAT THEY’RE IN AN ONEROUS BUBBLE OF THEIR OWN CONTRVIANCE?!?!

Tyson and Rachel — who got some facetime on The Soup last night, WHAT WHAT! — still aren’t married so they really have no reason to be here other than Rachel being really attractive. Like, substantially more attractive than all the other dames combined. But that doesn’t stop the episode from shifting focus to hot Rachel not coming home until 2 a.m. and Tyson being all intimatin’ that she’s cheating but not going so far to say she comes home smelling like manmeat but the implication is there.

Spencer and Heidi are still so fucking annoying.

Heidi, if you can hear me: Do not let that jitbag’s seed find purchase in your womb. Even if you are on this show for famewhorin’ purposes — which you both are — let this become a teachable moment that moves your life forward.

Anyway, the DVR conked out for a little while because I flipped over for the end of the Sixers game (they lost to Toronto) and didn’t want to stop taping Hawaii Five-0 (what a deep episode hinging on Japanese internment camps). Episode pops back in when they’re all shooting paintballs at one another based on the medicine-ball seshes.

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And, a commercial tease indicating way-too-full-of-herself (literally and figuratively) Natalie Nunn is riling up some sort of Worldstar bid’ness. Her man be like tired of all this Bad Girls shit, too. Because this isn’t Bad Girls Club. This is Marriage Boot Camp. So he’s got a point and his ass-injected poison will never be about anything but herself. The Natalie Nunn act has infected the Natalie Nunn reality, leaving nothing but a hollowed-out shell of humanity filled with egocentric anger and silicone ass filler. Oh, she throws a temper tantrum because Rachel shot her with a paintball gun so she throws a wedding dress off the second-floor balcony into the living room. BOOM SNAP SHE SHOWED HER!!!

Hot Ilsa Intermission Report:

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Anyway, Spencer did stick-drawing figures of everyone in the Boot Camp and wrote a poem that would get a D- if a fifth-grade English teacher, hemmed in by a social-promotion expectation, felt generous.

Anyway Pt. II, Heidi decides it’s acceptable to put Rachel’s wedding-gown-of-desperation on and grab her breastuses while in it. Look:

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At least she realizes it’s, like, sorta kinda disrespectful to get hammered and “rub her boobs” while wearing someone else’s wedding dress.

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