Kirsten “Bridezilla” Stiff and Seth Walker

These two were on Bridezillas. I knew it THE SECOND I saw this crazy, crazy, crazy broad. It was one of those unforgettable episodes. She was, like, a performer or play actress or some shit like that and she was looooooooony loony loony. I remember something about her refusing to pay the band, too. In fact, I’m pretty sure she made The Soup end-of-year countdown. She plays the “I’m pregnant” card” before Judge Toler, too. This guy doesn’t have a chance.

Here are a couple videos to get you up to speed first:

Alright, deep breath here. Let’s get into the episode.

Kirsten walks into Divorce Court like a prima donna walking A Mighty Wind runway. Her voice is as annoying as I recall it being.

She says things haven’t turned out as perfectly as she thought they would. He’s mean and nasty and makes her throw “elegant cocktail parties” for his friends on 15-minutes notice.

How has Seth even lasted a year? I thought he broke up with her on the wedding night? Well, he says she pulls a Scarlett O’Hara thing.

“The only way I can look good in her eyes is to go over to someone, smack them with a leather glove and then challenge them to a duel the next morning,” Seth — poor, poor Seth — explains.

“Maybe if you stood up for me, though things wouldn’t even happen,” Kirsten responds.

SHE DOESN’T EVEN DENY THE FACT THAT SHE MAKES HIM GO UP TO PEOPLE AND CHALLENGE THEM TO A DUEL LIKE THEY’RE IN SOME SORT OF BIZARRE TALKIE. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN THAT CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY HEAD?!!!!!!!!!!

I’d like to think that they’re acting. That they’re reality show fame-whores. But what would the endgame be of acting like this? I can’t think of anything but delusion. Well, a delusional kind of “let’s play crazy couple and maybe we can get on these shows forever and ever Amen!”

She talks in baby talk, but for her regular talk. It’s almost like she never evolved beyond backyard tea parties with her dollies. And Seth ain’t no better. There is NO WAY you can miss these behavioral defects. I suspect it has something to do with Kirsten being absolutely insane in the sack. That’s the way these types tend to be. Zero inhibitions. But that’s absolutely, positively no reason to get into this kind of mix.

So, Kirsten pulls some sort of “I’m teaching kids how not to be bullies and he takes a job photographing women in bikinis and hid it from me so that means I’m being bullied by my husband.” She starts fake crying at this point.

“He screams at me. He definitely screams at me. Even when people are on the phone. He doesn’t even know how to text message,” she says. I don’t even know what one has to do with the other.

Takes a serious turn when she gets to talking about a miscarriage. “He was more happy when I had a miscarriage than he was when I was pregnant,” she says.

“I was not overjoyed at all about that,” Seth admits. “No, I wasn’t [happy that she was pregnant] but realistically, we have three dogs and a cat. The one is…”

“Well then we’re about to have a baby because I’m pregnant. I found out yesterday,” Kirstin interrupts, taking about a second for her to say all those words. And that’s when Scott starts rubbing his eyes because he didn’t know about said meeting of seed and lunacy egg.

“Perfect timing,” he says.

“He doesn’t answer his phone,” she says.

“I’m a little stunned, honestly,” he says.

“I want a family,” she says, “but I didn’t mean to get pregnant right now because it’s not working out at all with us. Maybe it’s because I’ve been over-excitable. I know I’m overdramatic. I just can’t…”

Judge Lynn asks why she doesn’t work on that whole quirk. Kirsten says she does. By trying to be calmer. “Maybe that’s not enough,” JL says.

Gee, ya think?

Then, she admits that she didn’t even know people paid water bills. Which led him to start screaming.

“The dog even gets scared when he screams,” she says. And then starts crying again.

Seth retorts that their water got shut off because she overspends on the dog.

When they get to talking about her spending $2,000 on hair extensions, she corrects him that she spent $1,875.

“He doesn’t let me have them anymore,” she says as a picture of her with hair extensions is put up in court. “See how cute I am?!”

Him: “They were probably from yak or something, some other weird animal.”

Her: “It wasn’t a yak!”

Judge Lynn: “Screaming at people who aren’t feeling well (she gestures to her head) doesn’t help. You need to get people who aren’t feeling well some help.”

Her: Scoff cry.

JL: “You’re not feeling well, Mrs. Walker. And it’s ok. There’ve been times in my life when I haven’t felt well, but I don’t run around spreading my bad feelings around. What I do is handle it.”

Her: “These are real stories, your honor.”

JL: “I know they’re real but they’re not as extraordinary and upsetting as you seem to be by them. You’re taking life’s ordinary bumps in the road and you’re making real big roller coasters …”

Kirsten’s face is now contorting between tears and crazy smirks and cold, icy stares.

Her: “Actually, HE IS!”

JL: “No, it’s you. And, there’s nothing wrong with it except it’s not good for you and it’s not good for the baby.”

Then, Kirsten flips out their whole walk out of the courtroom.

“Now everybody in the world’s going to think I’m completely crazy monster,” she says.

Couldn’t have summarized it any better myself.

Sweet Jesus, this does NOT end well. There’s not a single chance that it could. I would cut myself from ear to ear if I was married to this wide-eyed, horse-jawed, twitchy beast.