Jeffrey Oliver vs Rachelle Ray

Andrea the Giant

Andrea the Giant


Jeffrey

Jeffrey

After watching God-knows-how-many Divorce Court episodes since Dec. ’08, I’m speechless. This is primarily because Mrs. Rachelle Ray and Mr. Jeffrey Oliver are — not may be, are — the most ill-equipped people to enter into holy matrimony. Ever.
Rachelle, she talks like a dude. She also does hair, including that of the prostitute from the bus station that she claims to have caught Jeffrey bangin. Jeffrey, he’s got an angry disposition. He stands accused of pushing Rachelle whilst she was pregnant with a child she ultimately lost. She calls herself “Mother Teresa” of cosmology. To his credit, Jeffrey mans up to johning that ho. He disagrees with Rachelle that she was knocked up at the time. (The prostitute, not the stylist.)
“To be honest, ma’am, I don’t know why I slept with the bald eagle, ma’am. I just know, I snapped. I been with her four years …” says Jeffrey.
So then they got into this family vacation, he thinks it was Disney. Rachelle’s all saying he be checking out 52-year-old asses (he said the one chick looked to be in her 30s). Things got worse, however, when Rachelle started chasing him with an iron. I’ll let them take it from here:

Jeffrey: “As I’m standing there in my boxers, she snaps, goes into a fit of rage, chases me out the motel room while I’m in my boxers. Mind you, it’s like 10:30, people checking out.”
Rachelle: “Drop it like it’s hot, buddyboy. You don’t want to move when I ain’t got no iron you gonna move if I say [untranslatable gibberish].”
Jeffrey: “The iron set on hot. And it got water in it. And I don’t want to get second- or third-degree burns. She sits up chases me out the room with the iron connected to the ironing board. All you hear is ‘clackclackclackclackclackclack’ while she try to chase me out the room, gets stuck in the door cause it pulling her back. That’s the only thing that saved my skin, no pun intended.”
Rachelle: “He lucky it was attached, cause I woulda sizzled him. Just to let him … just to remind him … because he need a reminder every now and then not to cross me.”
Jeffrey: “Your honor, she’s thrown microwaves at me.”
Rachelle: “Yes I have.”

Great, right? Right. But, they go on from there, if you really can go on from there.
Mrs. Ray, oh she sounds like Mickey Mouses obese ghetto-laced cousin, points out that Jeffrey currently has a girlfriend who’s three months pregnant even though they trying to work it out. She gets into how she lost a baby because he was cheating. Stress, the doctor said. Which explains how she Rachelle hit him over the head with a phone. “I cut him, too,” Obesey Mouse admits. “Cause I’m a woman scored.”
I could go on, but I won’t. Just don’t think it’s worth getting cut or hit with a phone or burnt with an iron to say what I really feel ’bout these two. After you finish reading this, just turn and walk away. It’s for the best.

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