Divorce Court: Sabastian vs. Angela Witbeck

Picture 1 Picture 2 These two have been married seven years and have four kids. Sabastian Witbeck is a “pro” wrestler. Goes by “the Prince of Punk, Chris Envy” or something. Angela is kind of his hype girl, his wrestling “valet.” Turns out she’s more attractive to promoters and fans. Which makes sense. Because Sabastian isn’t pleasantly buxom.

Sabastian wants his ten grand back because he went to cosmetology school with her. Half of his mohawk is pink. He whines like a wee lass and calls Angela “an accessory.”

“Her job is supposed to be to get the crowd to cheer or boo me, depending on whether or not I’m a good guy or bad guy,” says Sabastian, conceding part of him is as arrogant as his character.

“I powder up the crowd,” she says with a smile. “I am his biggest fan, but he is also his biggest fan. He loves himself. He loves to be the center of attention. He pushed me and pushed me to be part of this wrestling thing that I hated.”

Anyway, he shows video of a rasslin’ match in what appears to be a high-school gymnasium. Here’s another one:

Turns out that he thinks that when Angela started valeting for other wrestlers, cheatin’ was enabled in the sense of her having to “rub on other guys” since it’s a story line. But in this sordid tale of fake-sport amour, it’s all about jealousy, says she.

“I have way more fans than him. Way more fans. That’s why he’s upset, because some of the federations don’t want him, they just want me,” says the valet. “As a deal, I say, ‘Listen, you have bring to him too, because we’re a team.”

“Wrestling should be my shine,” he whimpers.

She says he got paid $10 for one appearance. That’s no way to live, Chris Envy, for man can not live on singlet groping alone.

Anyway, Angela quit cutting hair because “it’s not profitable anymore.”

“You know what I would do, Mrs. Witbeck, I’d learn to do black women’s hair. It’s a specialty,” Judge Lynn declares in what may be the first interesting moment of the episode, which just so happens to come two-thirds of the way in. “I’m going to tell you something, black women will get their hair done. I don’t care what the economy’s doing. Black women’s hair, a lot of white folk don’t understand is a specialty. You can’t just do, it’s like asking a family doctor to do heart surgery.”

Turns out he broke his neck or something. Dude should give up the cheap-ass ring dancing and watch his buxom ladyfriend valet for other rasslers. Makes more money, anyway.

Leave a Reply