Today is the start of a new season of Divorce Court. Praise Jesus!
Fancy new set. Judge Lynn be looking pretty fly. But thankfully, it picks up right where it left off a few months back, before the entertainment-at-others’-expense drought settled in. With no further ado, Deitra Hicks and Loren Harper take the muthafuckin’ stand.
So, you know how sometimes, you can just tell someone’s fucking crazy when you lay eyes on them for a millisecond? That’s Deitra Hicks. Bitch HUMS when she gets mad. She SINGS GOSPEL, too.
Loren, he be asking Judge Lynn for $1,760 to cover the expense of his therapy needs because of Miss Purple, who describes him as a “lyin’, cheatin’, deceitful Internet whore, yes he is.” She pronounce whore with oomph, too. I like that. Of course, it turns out that they met online and then she invited him over to her club, where she was doing open mic or some shit like that.
He wore all black with a silver chain so she’d know if he was him. Well, Loren done wore all white. As such, he’s a liar. With a really weird nose.
Well, he cops to being a boozehound. And she starts fucking humming, like she was instructed to in anger management. Judge Lynn instructs Joe the Bailiff to use his foot on Deitra’s throat if the humming gets to be too much. It’s like the lady on That’s My Mama, or actually Shirley from What’s Happenin’. She talks about how she has to punch him in the fact when he lies because he’s “insulting my intelligence.” Judge Lynn ain’t havin it.
Then Deitra starts the gospel humming shit again. Like, the third time in five minutes. Well, Loren starts talking about how he was driving 65 one time and she wanted him to drive faster but he wouldn’t so she slapped him. While he was driving 65. Cool.
Loren starts talking about how they did a whole lot of banging, though. But then he wasn’t as “horny” after rehab, which pissed Deitra off to the point where she wanted to spike his drink. She just loved that meat, meguess.
Deitra starts talking about how Cheaters is a great show, in that it convinced her to hire a P.I. to trail Loren. And how that P.I. done found out he had another family in Buffalo!!! (About Cheaters: it ain’t been a good show since that fucking weasel Greco took over for Tommy Grand, but I digress.)
Deitra done smacked his side piece around, as best I could gather. Loren’s got some sort of excuse involving his knocking her up but not giving in until paternity test nailed him on the semen being his charge about five years later. Deitra starts with the fucking humming again. It’s starting to drive me fucking nuts. No wonder Loren spent $1,760 on shrink work.
Oh, have I mentioned that Deitra is wearing a whole lot of purple? And how she started singing when — wait for it — LOREN’S NEW LOVER MAKES AN APPEARANCE UP IN THE COURTROOM. Check her out; she’s as frightening looking as that alien that jumped out the stomach in Alien …
So anyway, this Nortrice Banner, ooooh child, she got an edge to her. She also ain’t come to court with her own hair showing, but I can’t imagine she the first. Fun fact: Loren took a ring from Deitra and done gave it to Nortrice. She says she’s a victim.
Loren says Deitra is responsible for the “changes in my head.” But then, Deitra apologized for hitting him, and how she’s trying to make herself a better person. Then, Nortrice steps up and gives the ring back to Deitra. Which sends Deitra off on a “I got my ring” revival song.
All’s well that ends less crazy than it began. Circle of crazy life.