(Catch up with previous episodes here.)
AJ is a 30-year-old pro wrestler from Berkeley, Cal. He’s been single for a while because he’s been focused on what makes “ME happy.” One thing that makes him happy is listening to Nickelback. Yes. This is the kind of show with which we’ll be dealing today. He wants “a girl that’s figured it out.” Not Nickelback. Life. Presumably.
Liddy is from Oakland, Cal. She is “definitely someone who like to say yes to life. Longest relationship: Five months. She wants to feel “alive” but knows she’ll feel “awkward.” Prayers that she doesn’t like Nickelback.
“I’m AJ and this is my (cock or dick) and balls,” he says, gesturing towards his cock and balls in front of naked Liddy.
AJ, says Liddy in a camera aside, is not her type as she prefers a more hirsute gent. She invites AJ to do some naked cartwheels. He obliges.
Then, they start doing gymnastics. Then, they chest bump. Then, they go on a banana-boat ride. They fall off the banana-boat multiple times.
Liddy, who thinks this date is 10 times better than a dinner and a movie, is a wild child.
AJ’s balls hurt from the banana-boat ride.
Anyway, there’s an awkward conversation over the dinner. About giving up oneself when give oneself to a two-person relationship. Then, they agree, while naked in the pool, that they aren’t meant to be. They handle this maturely.
Onto the second dates, with the quickness.
AJ’s is Meg. Meg, per AJ, is “smuggling cantaloupes” in her chest. He means she has huge breasts. Those “giant fake books” are “staring a hole straight through me.”
Meg is from Charleston, SC. But she’s worked at an NYC strip club for three years. “They pay the bills better than little boobs,” says Meg about her fake boobs.
Here, she further discusses fake tits. Specifically, their inherent benefits.
They go on a naked horseback ride. Bareback ride, one could argue. Meg kinda digs AJ, who talks about losing his virginity at the age of 21. Meg tells him the story about the 7-foot dude she banged. He had a pinkie-sized penis, per Meg.
Liddy’s second date is with Joe, 31, from Bowling Green, Kentucky. He has a “P” inked on his left moob. Liddy wonders whether he’s Scandinavian or albino. He has a hint of Juggalo sans face paint tbqh. He doesn’t like chicks that are batshit crazy or have an incarcerated babydaddy.
Their date is a treasure hunt.
He touches her sometimes. She doesn’t like being touched. Liddy is 0-2.
Oh, they find the treasure chest. There’s rum in it. Joe starts talking about how his penis is sunburned. They #doshots.
When all four are together in the “Jungle Villa,” Liddy invites the three others to sit on a bed. Then, she performs a pole-dance/quasi-striptease quite well. It is a cry for distraction from Meg’s fake tits, methinks. She stares at AJ the entire time.
AJ thinks it was pretty hot.
Meg, not so much.
Joe says he has to go to the bathroom after watching this:
This valiant effort pales in comparison to seven words from Meg, however …
Joe does not hear this message when he walks Liddy back to her room, a room he is NOT allowed to enter, literally or even figuratively. So, he waxes poetic about what his other options may be, but really never will …
AJ’s is nipple-pierced Xandra from Coral Springs, Fla. She likes dudes who “keep it real at all times” and have no kids. They play a beer-pong variant.
He earns a kiss through such competition. He’s never dated a black chick. But he’s totally digging this one.
Liddy’s is Steve from Los Angeles, a fratboy who has “a really nice package.” He wants a hug. His “life motto is, uh, be positive and test negative.” He means of STDs. No rashes or cold sores. That kind of life depth.
Reckon Liddy is gonna choose this life poet, who oils her aching body up for a Slip n Slide date. There are so many barrel-bottom jokes that can be made regarding naked dates on Slip n Slides. I’ll leave that to you dear readers.
When she mentions the lady with fake boobs, Steve gets distracted blushingly. He recovers by vowing that he’s actually an ass man.
AJ, it turns out, is a pretty decent dude. He doesn’t want Liddy ending up with that “knuckle-dragging douchebag” Steve. They go off alone to reconsider their connection or lack thereof. She is worried about how he’d (fuck) Meg because fake tits mean a quest for validation. As edited, Liddy’s coming off as standoffish in the end, though.
AJ and Liddy then kiss. It’s a Notebook moment as far as moments on a naked dating show that airs on VH1 can be.
Ok, selections time!
AJ says there was no depth beyond physical attraction with Meg. Xandra’s not his typical type but he’s, like, yo. But that last night swung things back to Liddy. He wants Liddy. Xandra mocks; “up yours” she says off camera.
Liddy ain’t liking the could-be Juggalo. Or the fratouche who later admits aloud that he would’ve rather dated the chick with the fake boobs anyway. As for AJ, he shouldnta strolled off with Ms. Fake Boobs (who is way too skinny for said breastuses, but judge not).
Oh, Liddy choo-choo-chooses AJ anyway.
There is a major caveat, here: She doesn’t accepted his love of Nickelback. And really, who could?