Danni — who thinks she’s hotter than she is — is back. She’s joined by Suzy who’s from somewhere called Hutto, Texas. She’s 19. She’s relatively sure she’s bi-polar. She’s marrying a “military photographer” named Taylor. He’s 20. The episode is two minutes old when it become apparent that she’s fucking insane, so the rest of the hour should be fun.
“I didn’t want this wedding. Taylor did,” it says of her fy-ants who’s out of state military-photographying. “I hate the fact that Taylor wanted this wedding and he’s not here to plan it.”
Taylor has a friend named Corey. Suzy is jealous of him. Violently. She screams “bitch” in her mom’s face. Which is nice of her. There’s a special place for women like Suzy. It’s called Hell, if you believe in that kind of thing. Oh, Corey’s best man. She wants to have a “nice little chat … Taylor’s mine. You had your chance. It’s over.”
Suzy makes a stink about Corey getting a stereo put in his car when he says he can’t afford a tux. She talks about Corey’s head getting run over by a car to the point that it sprinkles on the windshield. That was the moment when I said, aloud, I hope something awful happens to Suzy, genuinely. Corey sees this, too, that she’s a fucking bitch.
“I think Taylor and Suzy getting married is the biggest fucking mistake. Ever,” wise Corey sayeth. “Taylor could get somebody way better, somebody way hotter, somebody who’s not a bitch. Saying I’m a douchebag? I’m not no douchebag. And, chick can suck a dick.”
Then, he says he’d fucking beat Suzy’s ass if it was a guy. Speaking of which, if it wasn’t for the tits, Suzy might get confused for a guy. Broad-shouldered linebacker type.
When Taylor’s dad almost died of a heart attack, Suzy says it wishes he had. Then, she says she’ll kill Taylor once she’s on his insurance plan. It refers to his family as “those people” and says it doesn’t want to get to know them. It says the old ones “will die soon anyway” and talks about them shitting themselves before they get to the bathroom.
It almost seems as if Suzy would piss on the lawn outside their house to mark its territory. It starts crying hysterically when it broke a nail trying to keep her man from his friend.
It also starts hysterically crying when its mom cuts her hair. “I’m going to look stupid for Taylor thanks to you and your stupid haircuts,” it says, clearly unaware that it was been looking stupid for Taylor — and the Bridezillas cameras — without any help whatsover. All on its own.
The snit ends with its mom saying, “I think you’re a little bit too much of a control freak now. … I’ve spoiled you rotten and you don’t seem to appreciate it. You’re being a royal bitch right now.”
To which it says I learned it from watching my mother.
To which its mom says, “I’m not going to listen to any more of your shit. You better shut your mouth and listen. I adopted you. I have loved you. I have cared for you. Don’t turn your head from me. I will NOT allow you to be disrespectful to me in my home. … Kiss my ass, bitch.”
Fuck yes, Suzy’s mom.
Taylor, poor fucking Taylor, he seems like a really good dude, and he handles the whole fiance/best friend battle royale better than could be imagined. He even lets it putting a tarantula in a box with “to Taylor with love” written on it.
I have to think the one thing it has going for it is being a wild fucking animal in the bedroom. Like countless clicks on YouPorn wild but of a hazy enough camera quality that you can’t really make out its features. That’s the only way I can see people tolerating it.
One day, he’s going to look back on all this, shake his head, laugh and tell his second wife how much he truly appreciates her. Because he will have been to Hell and back.
Over to Danni. Here’s the backstory. This week, they’re having budget concerns. But Danni isn’t concerned. Spend, spend, spend on her, her, her. She’s a fucking drama queen with absolutely no concern for others’ feelings.
She goes to get her cooze waxed. She bullies gay friend/hairstylist Andy into going with her against his will. Danni starts talking about how her vagina is beautiful. I highly doubt that and really, really don’t want to ever think about it again.
Onto her head hair, Andy and another friend think she needs to get extensions. She takes this as an affront to her “natural beauty.” Then, there’s some static at the rehearsal dinner. Cussing. Tears. Ego flexing. More tears. More cussing. Danni up and leaves. Groom’s friend complains about people enabling her. Commercial break.
Danni, she’s not a good person either — she flips out on the cameras and on a friend who tries to give her a plastic bottle of water, telling herself “you’re the most beautiful bride in the world; get it together” — but she looks like fucking Mother Teresa compared to that beast from Texas.