Bridezillas: Suzy & Danni

08/07/2011
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Danni

Danni

Danni — who thinks she’s hotter than she is — is back. She’s joined by Suzy who’s from somewhere called Hutto, Texas. She’s 19. She’s relatively sure she’s bi-polar. She’s marrying a “military photographer” named Taylor. He’s 20. The episode is two minutes old when it become apparent that she’s fucking insane, so the rest of the hour should be fun.

“I didn’t want this wedding. Taylor did,” it says of her fy-ants who’s out of state military-photographying. “I hate the fact that Taylor wanted this wedding and he’s not here to plan it.”

Taylor has a friend named Corey. Suzy is jealous of him. Violently. She screams “bitch” in her mom’s face. Which is nice of her. There’s a special place for women like Suzy. It’s called Hell, if you believe in that kind of thing. Oh, Corey’s best man. She wants to have a “nice little chat … Taylor’s mine. You had your chance. It’s over.”

Suzy makes a stink about Corey getting a stereo put in his car when he says he can’t afford a tux. She talks about Corey’s head getting run over by a car to the point that it sprinkles on the windshield. That was the moment when I said, aloud, I hope something awful happens to Suzy, genuinely. Corey sees this, too, that she’s a fucking bitch.

“I think Taylor and Suzy getting married is the biggest fucking mistake. Ever,” wise Corey sayeth. “Taylor could get somebody way better, somebody way hotter, somebody who’s not a bitch. Saying I’m a douchebag? I’m not no douchebag. And, chick can suck a dick.”

Then, he says he’d fucking beat Suzy’s ass if it was a guy. Speaking of which, if it wasn’t for the tits, Suzy might get confused for a guy. Broad-shouldered linebacker type.

When Taylor’s dad almost died of a heart attack, Suzy says it wishes he had. Then, she says she’ll kill Taylor once she’s on his insurance plan. It refers to his family as “those people” and says it doesn’t want to get to know them. It says the old ones “will die soon anyway” and talks about them shitting themselves before they get to the bathroom.

It almost seems as if Suzy would piss on the lawn outside their house to mark its territory. It starts crying hysterically when it broke a nail trying to keep her man from his friend.

It also starts hysterically crying when its mom cuts her hair. “I’m going to look stupid for Taylor thanks to you and your stupid haircuts,” it says, clearly unaware that it was been looking stupid for Taylor — and the Bridezillas cameras — without any help whatsover. All on its own.

The snit ends with its mom saying, “I think you’re a little bit too much of a control freak now. … I’ve spoiled you rotten and you don’t seem to appreciate it. You’re being a royal bitch right now.”

To which it says I learned it from watching my mother.

To which its mom says, “I’m not going to listen to any more of your shit. You better shut your mouth and listen. I adopted you. I have loved you. I have cared for you. Don’t turn your head from me. I will NOT allow you to be disrespectful to me in my home. … Kiss my ass, bitch.”

Fuck yes, Suzy’s mom.

Taylor, poor fucking Taylor, he seems like a really good dude, and he handles the whole fiance/best friend battle royale better than could be imagined. He even lets it putting a tarantula in a box with “to Taylor with love” written on it.

I have to think the one thing it has going for it is being a wild fucking animal in the bedroom. Like countless clicks on YouPorn wild but of a hazy enough camera quality that you can’t really make out its features. That’s the only way I can see people tolerating it.

One day, he’s going to look back on all this, shake his head, laugh and tell his second wife how much he truly appreciates her. Because he will have been to Hell and back.

Over to Danni. Here’s the backstory. This week, they’re having budget concerns. But Danni isn’t concerned. Spend, spend, spend on her, her, her. She’s a fucking drama queen with absolutely no concern for others’ feelings.

She goes to get her cooze waxed. She bullies gay friend/hairstylist Andy into going with her against his will. Danni starts talking about how her vagina is beautiful. I highly doubt that and really, really don’t want to ever think about it again.

Onto her head hair, Andy and another friend think she needs to get extensions. She takes this as an affront to her “natural beauty.” Then, there’s some static at the rehearsal dinner. Cussing. Tears. Ego flexing. More tears. More cussing. Danni up and leaves. Groom’s friend complains about people enabling her. Commercial break.

Danni, she’s not a good person either — she flips out on the cameras and on a friend who tries to give her a plastic bottle of water, telling herself “you’re the most beautiful bride in the world; get it together” — but she looks like fucking Mother Teresa compared to that beast from Texas.

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9 Responses to Bridezillas: Suzy & Danni

  1. mel
    08/08/2011 at 01:42

    Damn Suzy is freaking manly and ugly and a bitch! WTH are you Marrying her seriously! Name 3 good things about this chick

  2. Jessica
    08/08/2011 at 03:47

    I laughed my A** off! Thank you for your recap of this show and these hideous Bitches! No wonder men are so scared to get married…LOL

  3. Bethany
    08/14/2011 at 21:30

    First of all was that a real tarantula that Suzie gave him or did she just glue together clumps of just waxed her from her other leg.

    Imagine the horror on his wedding night when Taylor finds out Suzie has the bigger penis.

  4. nicoleee
    08/14/2011 at 21:38

    Wooow. Suzy = Mega Bitch. Taylor seems so sweet & cute, and his “wife” not so much. I don’t understand how she even has anyone to talk to, she should be thankful for those people, cause I’m sure after this show aired NO ONE is going to want to talk to her. I’m not one for woman abuse, but Cory shoulda slapped that bitchhh.

  5. trg
    08/15/2011 at 03:49

    OMG, I live 15 minutes from Hutto, Tx. Everybody is talking about crazy ass Suzi. The high school mascot for Hutto is the hippo, ha ha, fits Suzi perfectly!!!

  6. 08/16/2011 at 02:32

    I agree 100%

  7. 08/19/2011 at 17:17

    New comment on your post #7913 “Bridezillas: Suzy & Danni”
    Author : Bridezilla Danni
    URL : http://www.mommyletterstobaby.com

    I loved your recap it made me laugh so hard :) You did an awesome job! Thanks a ton!

  8. Amy
    08/31/2011 at 20:44

    I just finished watching ALL THREE episodes featuring the very, truly bi-polar Suzy. I found it strange that the father was only shown at the very end when they feature the actual wedding. If I ever spoke that way to my mother at age 19 or now, as an adult, I would be slapped so hard to land me on my ass. Taylor SEEMS like a good-looking, smart (maybe I take that back), talented guy with an interesting and bright future. Why would he ever be attracted to this Wildebeast from Hutto, TX??? The older sister seems to be the only one “it” backs down to. I found her to be one of the most deplorable women of all the bridezillas I have seen over the course of the show. She ranks even worse than Trisha, the rockabilly hobag from a few episodes back! Run Taylor, ruuuuunnnnnnn!

  9. Jason
    09/09/2011 at 03:26

    Fact Taylor only put up with all the shit from Suzy b/c he needed a beard so he could stay in the military at the time.. Yes.. Taylor’s bromance with Corey is more romance than bromance. They were totally into each other and THAT is why Suzy is so jealous! She knows she is ONLY getting Taylor b/c he needs to pretend to be straight. If he could be honest, he’d be with Corey. Remember when Suzy confronted Corey and said she could do things for Corey that he can’t? Corey said no there weren’t! I feel bad for Corey, but he’ll find another hotter guy that won’t wanna marry a crazy woman just for show.. Let’s just hope they don’t have kids so Taylor doesn’t completely ruin his life and he can still escape after DADT is completely repealed

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