Bridezillas: Megan & Willaura

10/12/2013
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Screen Shot 2013-10-12 at 3.53.01 PM Screen Shot 2013-10-12 at 3.53.20 PM Meet Bridezilla Megan, who will enter trivia lore by being the type of Bridezillas whose one-episode appearance just happened to be the show’s last-ever episode (pour one out for tha homies who were dragged into lives with bridezillas).

She’s a sharp one, talking about “hunting you down like a rabbit” and how people should get out of the kitchen if they can’t handle the honesty. (To her credit, she corrects the latter one right off the bat, so she’s probably Mensan in the eyes of folk in Fayetteville, NC.)

Anyway, she and fiance Matt used to work together; she was his boss, and she “thought he was gay.” They got hammered to the point of falling in love, though, to the point that he thinks her tantrums are “adorable.”

One of her bridesmaids looks like episodic Carrie on an episode of Homeland. She’s called over to discuss using makeup to change the color of shoes to “nude.” What results is poo hue.

Megan also wears green pants. Not sure why, but this offends fashion sensibilities imho. What also offends me is that, 15 minutes into the episode, I’m not sensing any nobility that explains why Bridezilla Megan would land a spot on the finale of such an illustrious series. Hoping this changes, lest my faith in humanity suffer a hit.

There’s some sort of haggling over the photographer’s contract but whatever. Her interview segments remind me of what a Proactiv testimonial on Tea Party dating site must look like, though. Not that politics come into play whatsoever. Just a vibe, I suppose.

She takes issue with boypal Josh’s criticisms of her wedding dress, too. Because he’s “stupid.” Josh, however, sees honesty as the key to real friendship, even as she yaps away at him from another room, asking him to leave her house.

Soon, the plot returns to the shoes, as Megan is outside spray painting them. End result: Shoes ruined.

Wedding day is here. Photographer’s a few minutes late. She’s deducting $2 per minute of tardiness. She’s telling him he can’t even drink or piss without her permission now. She owns him. Which really plays well when you consider that the photog’s a black dude and this is North Carolina.

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After a long pause, he says he wants to marry her and kisses her and hears her say “I’m your wife. I own you, bitch. … What now? I’m really looking forward to having babies.”

Then, the cameras follow them as they walk down the hall to get to bangin’. As the episode fades to black, Megan can be heard chanting, “To the bed, to the bed, to. the. bed.”

The final episode also marked the return of Bridezilla Willaura, who seemingly has a bit of a sense of humor about all the attention.

They show the bachelorette party tiff with sis-in-law to get erbody back up to speed on what we’re dealing with here. She has them singing a song about her, too. Look:

“A lot of people live their lives through me,” says Willaura, still holding tight to the dreams of socialite status.

She then takes the mic from the DJ and calls out her sister.

“This girl has not been there for me,” she declares to an entire club, demanding a “public apology.”

“She was lucky I didn’t jab her in the throat,” says Willaura’s maid of honor Tina who, instead of publicly apologizing, threatens to beat her with a shoe amid a shove-off outside.

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It looked to me as if Tina tried spitting on Willaura as well.

Next day, Tina shows up and says, “Sorry for spitting on you.” (Suspicion confirmed) “Sorry for almost beating you up outside the club.” Aw.

Next stop is a stripper-pole lesson. This whole oh-so-naughty type of jawn is so played out at this point, but whatevs.

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Anyway, she doesn’t enjoy herself. :(

This results in a parking-lot meltdown when Tina goes off to get more money to cover the strip-class. The meltdown includes Willaura requiring Tina to open her car door for her.

Willaura then admits that she opened her man’s emails to get details on that night’s bachelor party. He’s playing close to the vest with details, as he don’t know she know he goin’ to the tittie bar. When she admits this affront to privacy, he says he never read said email so he doesn’t know he’s heading to the tittie bar.

“He might need to re-evaluate who his friends are,” says Willaura, still carrying on about the bachelor party.

“I will be so, so happy when this wedding is over,” he says.

Wedding Day, they’re showing some pro-Willaura propaganda video, but the audio’s effed the eff up so it’s like slo-mo moans. This does not go over well. She’s agitated now. DJ is in the crosshairs. But then the wedding starts — nearly three hours late — and vows are exchanged.

Then, Willaura starts singing an Ode to Her: “Willaura, is a beautiful wife, hey, hey, hey” before some more drama breaks out that doesn’t warrant explanation.

“It was just a waste of time, and a waste of money,” she says of the nuptials.

Not exactly Keyser Soze, but a fitting conclusion.

In the last moments of the Willaura nuptials segment, it is time to reflect on how this marks the end of a series that changed the face of Wedding Television in perpetuity.

Sure, there’s a second Marriage Boot Camp: Bridezillas coming up in January, but I will surely miss this bird’s eye view into the insanity created when cameras are pointed at people during a stressful time in their lives, thus amplifying any penchant for narcissistic behavior.

See ya, Bridezillas. You’ve been fun.

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