Bridezillas: Dezjuan and Ariel

Philadelphia-20130608-00579 Philadelphia-20130608-00580 Bridezilla Dezjuan is “such a diva.” She’s 23, and she gets what she wants. What she wants includes Tyler, 22, who she met in high-school detention. What she wants also includes Tyler wearing a rubber work-out suit to cut weight before the wedding. What she probably doesn’t want is for someone to point out that some elements of her cranial structure is reminiscent of Stoltz’s post-makeup in Mask.

They’re from Akron, Ohio.

Because of course they are.

The cake guy wonders, aloud, why anyone would want to marry a Bridezilla. The cake guy proves to be a sage. The cake guy, with one line, probably summarized why, exactly, this is the last season of Bridezillas.

Anyway, her birthday corresponds with the Bridezillas’ crew filming. Dezjuan asserts that people who don’t acknowledge her birthday are instantly frozen out of her life. On her birthday, while driving her Saturn, she asserts that her wedding’s going to be the stupidest thing ever and she doesn’t want to go.

Dezjuan is one degree, or year, away from ratchet. Real talk. This is never more evident than when she’s yapping about how she looks “dumb” in the salon chair of her grandmama. Grandmama says if it was anybody but else coming up in that salon acting a fool, they’d “have taken her to the street.”

“You got a lotta nerve,” sayeth grandmama to Dez et al. “First, you come up in here trippin’. I do your hair. You complain about that. You been fussing at these kids on and on. Flippin’ off at your mouth. …

This are the hand gestures used to depict “flippin’ off at your mouth”

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“…and you got the nerves to tell me I gotta guarantee you … Your attitude stinks, Dez. If you can’t give me an apology, I’m not going to give you nothing. I’m not even going to do your hair, matter of fact. You got the audacity to tell me I got to your flowers and make sure you have a bouquet. I don’t have to do anything.”

But this POS just keeps disrespecting her grandmom regardless. One day, the reality of Dezjuan’s place in the world is gonna smack her square in the head. I hope WeTV’s cameras are there to show it.

Anyway, she then smashes her birthday cake because it wasn’t up to snuff. And bitches that someone got her a bracelet for her birthday because what’s she going to do with another bracelet and there’s just no damn thing she can do with it, so her birthday’s ruined. But she doesn’t care who gets hurt. Because whatever. She’s Dez.

Thing is, she’s too young to see just how mediocre-at-best her life will turn out.

They close the segment with Dezjuan and whatever his name is going out for a nice quiet dinner three nights before the wedding. But nice quiet dinner it was not. It was an ambush with Dezjuan’s mom, who asserts that she is “allowing” them to get married, and that he needs to know that he is a worker bee for his bride-to-be, a worker bee who will transfer all of his money into the wife’s account.

Dezjuan’s mother is a horrible person, who will be the reason that Dezjuan will appear on an upcoming season of Marriage Boot Camp: Bridezillas. Actually, strike that. He won’t even try to fix this shit he stupidly allowed himself to get trapped in.

So anyway, back to Bridezilla Ariel and Brook in South Dakota, and how he doesn’t fire back when she tells the WeTV-watching would how firm her grip is on his leash. Fun fact: He was working at Subway at their time of engagement, and spend $15 on the initial ring. Bet Dezjuan’s cake guy would get a big kick out of that.

Ariel’s your standard, run-of-the-mill upper-teen brat. The type who makes static about the cost of her manicure — since she didn’t bring enough money, as a first-time customer, which warrants a big discount in Arielnomics 101 — and how the bridal party should have made appointments.

There is a balance of $18.81 when she tries to pay what she feels the price should have been. The parlor manager pulls a Pretty-Woman-dress-shop-owner tude with her as well. But in Pretty Woman, Vivian Ward did not deserve said treatment. The gay guy at the salon concurred with this, I suspect, so he asked all them all to leave. 🙁

Before bitching about the look of her American Legion basement gala, she asserts that the most stressful thing about the wedding planning will likely be the stress involved. So. Damn. Meta.

When they show her wedding-day morning, my first reaction was: Sweet F’in Christ, I hope she has a good –nay, great — makeup artist. Because there’s some damn work to get done. But then I thought oh Jesus, that reads so catty and unnecessary. Pondered deleting this sentence. But then they showed her flipping out outside on the phone at her mom, who was home getting ready, at said, no, this is an important fact to keep in this week’s Bridezillas post. Let this be a lesson to every one who thinks this is an acceptable way to act, and treat others.

Anyway, they end up getting married in something that resembles an Overlook ski lodge, in front of a dozen and a half people. It closes with her worried about how her boobs look in the dress during the post-wedding interview. I’ll let all y’all decide:

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