Bridezillas: Callie & Jeanine

Picture 3 Picture 2were judging her. Hard not to. Also, the narrator seems to be steering the viewer toward seeing a level of crazy that doesn’t come across in the footage. Did things meet the editing-room desktop trash bin? (If anybody can confirm whether this, in fact, happened, drop me an email).

Up next is an awkward chat with the Jerwhatever’s sister in which a) Callie apologized, b) Jerwhatever’s sister accepted it, but said there’s no need for an apology, c) hysteritears, d) Callie demands an apology of Jerwhatever about Jerwhatever’s sister, as Jerwhatever leans against aluminum siding.

She’s crying before the wedding. And during the wedding. Shark eyes. Wait, can sharks cry?

Empty episodic calories. Not nuts enough to span two episodes.

Jeanine was back. Remember? This is why Callie seems nearly almost-bearable.

The guests’ happiness is of zero import to Callie. Only Callie’s is.

She threatens her future mother-in-law with cake-making duties if she doesn’t get her to the bakery in time. She also laughs at the weathered lady’s dress selection.

When they get to the bakery, she orders a baker to complete, by 1 that afternoon, something they ask for two-weeks lead time. She wants a free cake topper.

Ten minutes. That’s how long it’d take to start looking for an out.

Her dad — I think — is in the mini-van when they’re driving back from the cake shop. He seems like a decent dude, based on a single facial expression that says what-the-fuck-you-doin’-girl.

She calls the cake shop and insults her to the point that it’s offensive to even me, a non-Cupcake Wars viewer.

This makes the couple late for the rehearsal and groom’s dinner. She rolls in all aggressive, is again exposed as a horrible person. Even her sister Cherlie jumps on.

It’s pretty clear that she uses the word “audacity” during a fight vs. her soon-to-be in-laws with pride. She accentuates it in the tone of her sentence. This seems like it’s done intentionally so they totally hear it. She has convinced herself that they think more of her since she has a handle on a fancy word.

The next shot of her is eerily reminiscent of the early seconds of a parking-lot YouTube fight. If there were organized, sanctioned mall parking-lot lady fights, a mall-circuit Buffer would hype her as “the Denimtastic Diva.” She’d get booed.

Brad, who is Jeanine’s brother-in-law, has something to say:

“I told Thomas, ‘pay the child support and run. Run for the hills.’ There’s no money that is worth dealing with this everyday, and I will tell him that when I’m standing up there, watching her walk down the aisle: Last chance. Run like Hell.”

Wiser words had never been spoken on this show before. It’s of a wisdom that has thinking about adding it, in ital, atop every future Bridezillas post.

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