Bridezillas: Brittany & Kim





Welcome to Southhampton, NY, home to horrible 25-year-old tanning-salon managers named Kim who are getting married to sheet-metal guys named Jeremiah.

You know, the type of entitleskanks who say, “You’re Spanish. You’re cutting your goddamn hair.” And admit to having “psycho stalker” tendencies. And hating families. And saying she’d punch someone who helped a guest who hypothetically has her water break at the wedding. And threatening to “fuck that old lady up, man.”

“I will get blood on my wedding dress. I do not care,” she says, before talking about respect, and then bitching about not being able to cut the line in front of tanning-salon customers.

“Go outside and get a tan,” Jeremiah logically notes.

On the plus side, her fiance and parents actually seem like logical beings who don’t take her cunty, pimple-faced spoiled-princess bullshit.

Fun fact: Kim has an oddly shaped mouth. She’ll have to live with that forever, not that that makes up for the way she treats people i.e. threatening to punch Jeremiah’s smirk off his face.

“You’re not important. You’re not that cool. You’re cutting your hair,” she says, namechecking Paulie D.

God, I hope she’s a one-episode character. She should be. Not much depth to her. Easier to look at that most Zillas, but then again, so are most womenfolk.

Oh dear God, it looks like her dad has two teeth. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But if this is to be a full recounting of a Bridezillas episode, it’d be unfair of me to withhold that observation, wouldn’t it?

Just as it would be to ignore the fact that Jeremiah mentioned how she was an ugly duckling as a kid. Can TOTALLY see that.

She bought a black dress for the reception. It’s prom-whorish, with a red bow and a key trinket on her necklace. She’s growing on me, actually, well, until she fucking smashes his X-Box and telling her sister that “you’re not pregnant in the face” when explaining why she’d feel comfortable punching here there.

Yeah, she’ll revert to ugly duckling within a decade.

But we have to deal with her next week.

I guess I better watch what I write about Brittany lest I get another comment challenging me to pick a specific cranial malformation that she could suffer from.

“I’ve told everybody from day one I will never be afraid to walk away,” she says.

Oh, that’s nice.

Wait! I figured the head thing out!! Kind of alien shaped, particularly in the shaping of the eyes and upper cheeks. But I digress. Because when she hops a fence and breaks into the house through her bedroom window, it leaves the impression that she’s not wearing unmentionables. Were you, Brittany? I know it’s really nobody’s business, but full disclosure and all that.

Oh, this is cool: Brittany gives one of the bridesmaids the dress she wore for her first wedding. It comes nowhere covering the hand-me-down-accepter’s back. They’re drinking what appears to be Crown Royal, Miller Lite and popping Adderall at the dress fitting.

Her bridesmaid Liz (she of the preworn wedding dress) is presented as Engaged White Sociopathic Female. As in, she’s totally into Brittany’s fiance to the point of trying to make out with him. “I am better than her. I am better than most people,” says a weird, weird, weird person who ends up getting kicked out apparently.

The cameras show her sitting in a car on an empty parking-garage floor, gnawing her fingertips, “waiting for her to call me.” Nice touch, Bridezillas.

Also, Brittany breaks down on the altar, unable to read her pre-written vows and asking the officiant to do so for her. Plus, here’s a fire alarm at the reception. Nicer touches, karma.

“It gets better after the wedding, trust me,” says Mike, absurdly.

3 comments for “Bridezillas: Brittany & Kim

  1. September 27, 2011 at 17:41

    hi everyone this is crap lol

  2. Bunnie Lebowski
    October 21, 2011 at 15:57

    I love how you hate on Kim and call her family “rational.” Those people were annoying and insane, and, while I don’t approve of her short temper and her potty mouth, I think I could totally understand her frustration. Her parents were ridiculous, and her fiance was lazy. But, of course, in our culture we always resort to calling women crazy (and insult their appearance too) when we can’t deal with the inequities and unfair standards that we impose on them. God forbid a lady should get pissed off when people act stupid, yet it’s totally okay for dudes to get drunk and act like apes. God, I hope you don’t have a wife who has to put up with your BS. You don’t appear to be much of a catch yourself, bro. Why do you even watch Bridezillas?

  3. October 21, 2011 at 21:13

    Aw, thanks for taking the time to write, Kim, er, I mean Bunnie.

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