Fancy new set. Judge Lynn be looking pretty fly. But thankfully, it picks up right where it left off a few months back, before the entertainment-at-others’-expense drought settled in. With no further ado, Deitra Hicks and Loren Harper take the muthafuckin’ stand.

So, you know how sometimes, you can just tell someone’s fucking crazy when you lay eyes on them for a millisecond? That’s Deitra Hicks. Bitch HUMS when she gets mad. She SINGS GOSPEL, too.

Loren, he be asking Judge Lynn for $1,760 to cover the expense of his therapy needs because of Miss Purple, who describes him as a “lyin’, cheatin’, deceitful Internet whore, yes he is.” She pronounce whore with oomph, too. I like that. Of course it turns out that they met online and then she invited him over to her club, where she was doing open mic or some shit like that.

He wore all black with a silver chain so she’d know it he was him. Well, Loren done wore all white. As such, he’s a liar. With a really weird nose.

Well, he cops to being a boozehound. And she starts fucking humming, like she was instructed to in anger management. Judge Lynn instructs Joe the Bailiff to use his foot on Deitra’s throat if the humming gets to be too much. It’s like the lady on That’s My Mama, or actually Shirley from What’s Happenin’. She talks about how she has to punch him in the fact when he lies because he’s “insulting my intelligence.” Judge Lynn ain’t havin it.

Then Deitra starts the gospel humming shit again. Like, the third time in five minutes. Well, Loren starts talking about how he was driving 65 one time and she wanted him to drive faster but he wouldn’t so she slapped him. While he was driving 65. Cool.

Loren starts talking about how they did a whole lot of banging, though. But then he wasn’t as “horny” after rehab, which pissed Deitra off to the point where she wanted to spike his drink. She just loved that meat, meguess.

Deitra starts talking about how Cheaters is a great show, in that it convinced her to hire a P.I. to trail Loren. And how that P.I. done found out he had another family in Buffalo!!! About Cheaters, it ain’t been a good show since that fucking weasel Greco took over for Tommy Grand, but I digress.

Deitra done smacked his side piece around, as best I could gather. Loren’s got some sort of excuse involving his knocking her up but not giving in until paternity test nailed him on the semen being his charge about five years later. Deitra starts with the fucking humming again. It’s starting to drive me fucking nuts. No wonder Loren spent $1,760 on shrink work.

Oh, have I mentioned that Deitra is wearing a whole lot of purple? And how she started singing when — wait for it — LOREN’S NEW LOVER MAKES AN APPEARANCE UP IN THA COURT. Check her out; she’s as frightening looking as that alien that jumped out the stomach in Alien …

Nortrice, or however it's spelled

So anyway, this Nortrice Banner, ooooh child, she got an edge to her. She also ain’t come to court with her own hair showing, but I can’t imagine she the first, fo sho. Fun fact: Loren took a ring from Deitra and done gave it to Nortrice. She says she’s a victim.

Loren says Deitra is responsible for the “changes in my head.” But then Deitra apologized for hitting him, and how she’s trying to make herself a better person. Then Nortrice steps up and gives the ring back to Deitra. Which sends Deitra off on a “I got my ring” revival song.

All’s well that ends less crazy than it began. Circle of crazy life.

836. Panama City, Fla. Sept. 2. Pregnant woman suffers non-life-threatening injuries after being struck by a by a tan or beige SUV which fled the scene.

837. Kennewick, Wash. Sept. 2. 10-year-old girl (pictured) struck by a white full-sized Ford truck with a canopy and dual tires in the rear, 1998 to 2000 model year which fled the scene.

838. Weston, Ct. Aug. 28. 14-year-old boy on bicycle struck and injured by a white SUV which fled the scene.

839. Syracuse, NY. Sept. 3. 25-year-old man briefly hospitalized after being struck by a red, four-door Pontiac Grand Prix which fled the scene.

840. Chicago. Sept. 2. 49-year-old man on a bicycle struck and killed by an unidentified vehicle which left him dying in the street.

841. Cambridge, Mass. Sept. 4.

842. Houston. Sept. 5. Woman in her late 20s struck and killed by an unidentified vehicle which fled the scene.

843. Philadelphia. Sept. 4.

844. Milwaukee. Sept. 5. 44-year-old woman struck and killed by a dark-colored new model foreign car, possibly a Toyota or Nissan, which fled the scene.

845. Queens, NYC, NY. Sept. 5. 45-year-old man struck and killed by an SUV which fled the scene.

846. Chicago. Sept. 5. 11-year-old girl among four people (three of them children) injured when struck by a stolen gray or black 1999 Chrysler 300 with Indiana plates, from which several people ran after the collision.

Related stories:

And I quote (I) …

Driving a Maserati, Lindsay Lohan accidently hit a woman pushing a child in a stroller before deciding to flee Wednesday, witnesses told RadarOnline.com.
Two eyewitnesses said the “Mean Girls” star clipped the woman while driving her luxury car around 5 p.m. after she neglected to look both ways before making a turn. Lohan was pulling out of a parking garage in her West Hollywood neighborhood.

And I quote (II) …

ATLANTA — Atlanta police have reopened an unsolved hit-and-run case, thanks to some new clues uncovered in a new hit-and-run case in Clayton County.
The original case involved a crash on Christmas Eve of 2008. Mildred, the 64-year-old victim in the case, asked CBS Atlanta not to use her last name, since the suspect hasn’t been found.
“It shocked me that he didn’t stop,” said Mildred, who was not injured in the wreck.

Suspect

And I quote

Pasadena police are looking for a hit-and-run driver who critically injured an 83-year-old man on a motorized scooter. Investigators said Frank Paneno was dragged for several feet before the driver stopped.
Police are looking for Lucio Morales, who also goes by Martin Beltran. They said Morales and a passenger pulled Paneno out from underneath the car. Then Morales drove away, leaving his passenger behind.

And I quote (IV) …

Rookie cop Marquis Morrison was on the streets without a license the night of his hit-and-run collision with a 14-year-old girl that left her in a wheelchair and him in criminal court.
Now, he’s without a uniform, too.

And I quote (V) …

In the moments after a vehicle hit Jason Lummis last Wednesday night, sending him flying 20 feet through the air, he feared he would die alone along the side of the road.
“I didn’t think I was going to live,” he said, “and I wanted to hear my wife’s voice again. I didn’t think I was going to live because of the way I felt, that everything was draining out of me.”

And I quote (VI) …

High Point, NC — Police say a woman who struck a 4-year-old boy with an SUV should not have been behind the wheel. They also won’t charge her with hit-and-run, but just driving with a revoked license.

And I quote (VII) …

On July 16, 2000, Townsend was riding his motorcycle on Highway 9 in Bennettsville when he was hit and killed by a car. His family believes there’s someone out there with answers.
“No one has told us any information about the death of Clyde,” said Diane Townsend, Clyde’s mother, “The police department, nobody and we want people out there to hear me say we want y’all to help us with solving this case about my son Clyde, cause 10 years is a very very long time.”

And I quote (VIII) …

Friends of the 18-year-old Harrow (Canada) driver accused in the hit-and-run death of a 15-year-old Leamington cyclist say the two teens knew each other well.

From the TBI files …

Soldiers from the Army’s 52nd Ordnance Group based at Fort Campbell have undergone hours of exhaustive cognitive testing in the military’s first-of-its-kind study of mild traumatic brain injury. This focus on the soldiers who find and destroy the powerful and deadly weapons is part of a larger effort by the military this year to better track and treat mild brain injuries.

Caught, convicted, court appearance or car-on-car in … Carroll County, Kent.; North Plains, Oreg.; New Caanan, Ct.; Oxnard, Cal.; Bridgeport, Ct.; Tulsa, Okla.: Waipahu, Hawaii; Elmira, NY; Edina, Minn.; San Francisco; Ghent, Ky; Monroe, NY; Oak Park, Ill.; El Paso, Texas; Livermore, Cal.; Steubenville, Ohio; Philadelphia; South Los Angeles; Idaho Falls, Idaho; Covington, Ga.; Bloomsburg, Pa.; Bonaire, Ga.; Cary, NC; Yakima, Wash.; Lexington, Kent.

More hit-and-run stories, including every volume of Hit-and-Run America (in reverse order), are accessible from this linked page. (The full Volume-by-Volume list will appear sporadically from now on.)

Adam LaRoche made sure the PA system played “It’s Raining Men” the first two times Kelly Johnson stepped to the plate. This will feature prominently in season ticket sales pitches, since it’s more fun than any actual baseball in Arizona. [Deadspin]

Robert Emmett Bowen, father, musician, hit-and-run fatality

I made a judgment call back in January when I started keeping a list of hit-and-runs: Don’t list names. Ostensibly, it was because there aren’t names given in many of the cases I come across. But, on a more utilitarian level, I wasn’t comfortable turning my website into a de facto Vietnam Memorial of hit-and-run victims, both living and dead. Maybe I should have, who knows.

I think sheer numbers do enough to humanize the issue, which is what I set out to do in the first place. And later this fall, when the Pa. state senate votes to — I hope — increase the penalties for leaving the scene, it will be even further humanized.

All that said, I received an email the other night (as I have several times before) that has me thinking a Hit-and-Run America Memorial Wall is kind of necessary. It came from a woman named Gabrielle Cooney in Dayton, Ohio. Subject line: FYI on #819 …

819. New York City. Aug. 26. 45-year-old man riding bicycle critically injured after being struck by a flat-bed truck which fled the scene.

I just wanted to let you know that the victim was an old friend of mine, and he did die, so I hope that your efforts will help to find the person responsible for cutting short the life of this wonderful man who was a talented and acclaimed musician as well as a wonderful father and friend. Please read more about Robert Emmett Bowen III at

http://www.thebluewisp.com/
and
http://web.me.com/tonysweetphoto/tonysweet_blog/Blog/Entries/2010/8/31_Passing_of_a_friend….html

just to mention a few.

Thank you for trying to bring some closure and justice to these terrible crimes.

No, thank you for sharing, Gabi. I hope everybody takes a moment to read about #819 knowing full well that every one of these cases is more than just a number.

If you’ve stumbled across my posts because someone you know what hit, by all means, email me about who he/she is/was.

My condolences go out to Robert’s family and friends, and to anybody effected by a hit-and-run tragedy. I was lucky enough to survive mine and come out of it pretty damn close to how I went into it. Everybody isn’t as fortunate.

The best last-place team you’ll ever see

Fuckin’ adorable.
But to a certain extent, I concur.
Because the number of games the Baltimore Whorioles must lose to surpass the 87.5-loss threshold is …

Any day now.

* – tracking the Baltimore Whorioles magnificent march toward an 87.5+ loss season, all so I win a twenty-dollar bill, yo.

• As the conventional wisdom of Philly politics go, Sam Katz’s dreams of elected office died with his 2003 rematch loss to John Street, and Michael Nutter is guaranteed re-election next year. Is the grapevine wrong?

• Epic U.S. Open Man!

• Epic U.S. Open Interview! (FF to 1:05 in)

• The anti-government fervor infusing the 2010 elections represents a political triumph for the Kochs. By giving money to “educate,” fund, and organize Tea Party protesters, they have helped turn their private agenda into a mass movement. [New Yorker]

• A couple of weeks ago, on Aug. 17 to be precise, the Atlantic City Press broke the news that the whole deal had fallen through, that new-wave restaurateurs weren’t stepping up, that the developers were stalled, that Busch’s – unless a pot of financing money fell out of the sky – was going to have next season after all. “Part of me,” said Schettig, “was relieved.”[Philadelphia Inquirer]

• A homeless man in Oregon was arrested for trespassing after sneaking into a local hot tub and calling 911 to request “a hug and a warm cup of hot chocolate with marshmallows,” The Oregonian online newspaper reported late Wednesday. [FoxBoston]

• Insane Clown Posse mention Faygo a lot and spray concertgoers with it during shows. This has resulted in one of the longest-running instances of an unsolicited celebrity endorsement. [New York Times Magazine]

• Women have certainly never hit harder and not just on account of improved equipment. They’re stronger, bigger, faster, better trained and pushed above all by the example of the Williams sisters. [New York Times Magazine]

• The New York Yankees’ top prekindergarten prospect lives in Jersey City and plays baseball with his three brothers in the dusty courtyard behind their apartment. [SI.com]

• If you ask them right now, they might say that might not have been one of our best moves. Cliff was a great teammate. He had ice in his veins. He was a great competitor and so even keeled. [Moyer on Lee; New York Times]

• As Bunch documents on almost every page, excoriation of the Oval Office occupant is personal and at the highest decibel of free speech. Obama is (take your pick) a socialist, a communist, a new Hitler, a Manchurian candidate, even the Antichrist. Each epithet does more than demean; there’s a larger purpose at work. One Arizona minister interviewed isn’t reluctant to say he’s praying for the president’s death. [Philadelphia Inquirer (on a book by the Philadelphia Daily News' Will Bunch)]

• Febreze has become the “Official Air Freshener of the N.F.L.,” raising questions that may reflect well on men. [New York Times]

• Detroit’s Mayor’s ride gets de-rimmed! [WXYZ.com]

Well, I do agree that Floyd’ll win. But, I have little respect for the whole waiting game. I want to see this fight now, Floyd.
(H/T You’ve Been Blinded)

- Did a Hunting Park murder stem from a group catfight?

A beef between two groups of mostly-underage girls snowballed into a deadly Feltonville shooting in June. Though a shooter hasn’t been arrested, 17-year-old Romeeka Williams was ordered held for trial yesterday on multiple charges stemming from the June 27 death of Quinta Brown, 22.

At Williams’ preliminary hearing, one of Brown’s friends testified that a squabble between two groups, with words and punches exchanged, spilled over into the following evening when it turned deadly.

Sherena Williams (no relation to the accused) testified that she was walking near 7th and Cayuga streets in Hunting Park with two friends – including her pregnant cousin – when a squabble broke out with a group of seven females including Romeeka Williams.

The 15-year-old witness said when they crossed paths the next night, another fight broke out during which she heard “Romeeka yelling ‘Shoot that b*tch! Shoot that b*tch!” before three shots were fired. Police arrived shortly thereafter. One woman in the other group left her child at the scene in a stroller, Sherena Williams testified.

Romeeka Williams now faces criminal conspiracy engaging murder, criminal attempt murder, aggravated assault and other charges.

And, more on the fatal hit-and-run of 24-year-old Celina Langan …

An East Torresdale man who admitted his involvement in a July 11 fatal hit-and-run waived his right to a preliminary hearing yesterday. Manuel Albandoz, 40, of Worth Street, faces homicide by vehicle and other charges related to the collision at Torresdale and Adams avenues that left 24-year-old Celina Langan dead.

Judge Bradley K. Moss lowered Albandoz’s bail from $100,000 to $50,000 bond with conditions of home confinement and surrendering, or reporting his passport missing. The prosecutor was concerned Albandoz may flee country.

The nine relatives who attended the hearing included his sister Betzaida, an active Philadelphia police officer, and brother Jose, a retired corrections officer. Defense attorney Louis Savino Jr., who at a previous hearing said Albandoz had “had some drinks, got scared and left the scene,” noted that his client’s sister accompanied him when he turned himself into police 12-15 hours later. Initial DUI charges filed against Albandoz aren’t being pursued.

Assistant District Attorney Brian Zarallo said Albandoz hadn’t had a license for about 20 years and that his wife had reported the vehicle stolen earlier that night. Langan was riding her bicycle at the time.

Savino told Moss a “non-trial” outcome – meaning he could plead guilty – is likely, “though I can’t make a 100 percent commitment.”