Ashley Matthews vs Shawn Matthews UPDATE

(Update: As you’ll see in the comments, Ashley Matthews maintains “never was I sleeping with anything that was moving.”)
Back when I lived in South Carolina for a spell, one of the greatest joys therein were local commercials. Specifically, the Booty Brothers from downtown Lake City. Their commercials were priceless. It’s an indignity to American culture that they’re not available online. (Note to folks in the Pee Dee: Work on that, yo.)
I mention this today because in the case of Matthews vs Matthews, Shawn wants $400 from his soon-to-be-ex to replace purple “alligator shoes” that she admittedly cut up, the same product that the Booty Brothers‘ cousin was talkin’ ’bout while he paraded around the store (which I went to one time for a wedding — one Brother’s girl proposed and called the paper to cull coverage when he walked into the store not knowing that he was walking into his wedding — I shit you not) with a lassoing lasso.
So anyway, Ashley says Shawn is a pretty boy, a mama’s boy. Shawn says that he cares for himself in the mindset of he could run into Obama at any point. Yet, he questions whether the second child he “had” with Ashley is actually his sperm’s fault. This didn’t go over well with Ashley, who I presume was banging anything that moved while the pair was separated. She also says that he’s a cheater, to which he says he didn’t cheat for eight months one time. Um, ok.
That’s neither here nor there, though, since I think that Shawn is wearing purple pants. Can’t tell though. But it’s still as distracting as Ashley’s manner, which reminds me of a Langolier.
That old adage about what to do when you have nothing nice to say? Yeah, I’m’a respect that one now.
Over and out.