Alicia Morris vs. Benjamin (and/or Adam) Smallwood

Picture 4 Picture 5 The women Benjamin, who has also gone by Adam, Smallwood attracts are right on that attractiveness cusp where some would think they got it while others would say they don’t.

But nobody would maintain that B.A. Smallwood has a look that warrants the ability to tap quality ass. He’s just sloppy. And it reflects in his choice of $7.99 JC Penney’s tie. But whatever. He pulls Southern — albeit gym-allergic — ass so props might could be deserved.

So anyway, B.A. is in a band and he says he’s “a very loving person,” even when he’s performing in front of drunk chicks at the bar. “If they want to give me a hug, I’ll hug ’em back,” he says.

And she’s insecure and jealous to the point where they got kicked out of a gym because she went all psycho when he checked out some other chick there. “He loves looking up other girls’ shorts,” Alicia explains.

Christ, B.A. Smallwood’s shirt can’t cost much more than his tie did. But he’s got personality. And personality goes a long way.

Anyway, April Widener was called in as a witness. She says she used to date him as an Adam. And that he changed his name “because you’re a psycho.” To which April responds that she’s not, in fact, a psycho.

I’m inclined to think she is. But again, like a 15-pound-less Alicia would, she totally outclasses B.A., who she says she caught cheating on several occasions. She even caught him cheating on Alicia, who she calls her best friend.

Let’s take a second here to put this in proper perspective: Two best friends have dated a sloppy dude from Birmingham, Alabama and both suspect he’s a cheater. So, what’s the deal here? Is he hung like a mule and April whispered that on down the line to Alicia? Or, is the Birmingham, Alabama dating scene one that this is top-barrel fare?

Hell if I know. Hell if I want to find out, either.

Both Alicia and April will get knocked up 12 times before their 35th birthday, like that family tree in Idiocracy. And, if our God is a just one, more than 20 of those 24 kids’ll come from B.A.’s seed.

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