Alexia Boliek vs Craig Boliek

C.O. from the Rock

C.O. from the Rock

Oh, his eyes are wanderers. Yeah, they're the wanderers.

Oh, his eyes are wanderers. Yeah, they're the wanderers.

So anyway, Alexia Boliek’s all like, my husband Craig’s phone rings all the time and it’s other ladies a’callin. She talks with a tone like Glenn Close in Jagged Edge or Fatal Attraction; whichever one she nuked the bunny in. Especially when she starts talking about how she looked in on his MySpace and found a conversation between Craig and an old flame who wanted his phone number. You know, it’s that measured, prim-and-proper speaking style that screams crazy, even if the words and actions themselves don’t.

Don’t get me wrong, Craig Boliek sounds a wee loony too, in saying how he doesn’t keep in touch with past acquaintances, doesn’t use social networking, doesn’t drink anymore. From what these two are saying, Alexia may damn well be right with what she’s saying. But tone and talking about trying to check his phone’s “usage reports” or how there’s flirtin’ goin’ on with people at church are all America needs to know ain’t no good goin’ on ’round therre.

“Everytime we go somewhere, she thinks I have so-called ‘wandering eyes,'” Craig says. “They’re not wandering eyes. I have ADHD. I’m trying to take care of five kids.”

“No,” retorts Alexia, “because ADHD does not narrow down to ‘women with large breasts.’ ADHD is ‘you gawk at everything.”

Oh snap. She’s got a point there. But I got a point there where I say she’s an overly paranoid hussy who ain’t comfortable in her own skin. That, and she’s fucking nuts, of course. This is two consecutive days of this kind of action now. If they go for the hat-trick, even a Flyers sweep over the Blackhawks (oh, beleedat) will restore my confidence in sanity.

Despite it all, Craig says he wants to save the marriage and Alexia says she wants him to change, even if Judge Lynn’s all “You’re seeing stuff that isn’t there.” (“You ain’t gonna divorce him,” Judge says. “You just gonna nag him into eternity.”)

Which got me to thinking, if Alexia Boliek is seeing phantom sights, what would they be? I’d go with clowns that are sad on the outside but happy internally, whatever the opposite of a unicorn would be (I can’t even picture what that would look like) and murderous packs of kittens roaming orphanages for children to eat.

Sweet Virgin Mary on a Shish Kabob, even I’m crazy after 20 minutes of this. I pray the people on tomorrow are a wee bit more steeped in reality.

Bonus coverage: The Divorce Court re-run was the epic, unforgettable Dorian Moctezuma vs Sherry Moctezuma! God is good.

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