10.0 Things I Learned Watching ‘Bridezillas: Where Are They Now? 3.0’

Well, this season of Bridezillas came to an inglorious end with that trash heap Natalie doing whatever she ended up doing, but luckily, there was a special look-back episode on this week. Here’s a bullet-pointed recap to bring the year of Bridezillablogging to an orderly close:

Bridezilla Danni Starr, who did a Deadspin Tuesday Night Fights review post at my humble request, done got knocked up with the quickness. (Which I knew. Baby’s cute as all heck. And Danni’s good people.)

• I don’t remember Bridezilla Athena. Shame. ‘Cause she seems like the type of freak show whose wedding would be delayed onaccounta killer bees. The subsequent divorce makes sense when one hears Athena saying she never wanted to be married in the first place and totally digs chicks anyway.

• Oh shit, freakshow Bridezilla Kirsten Stiff is on this recap. See here for background. Anyway, they’re still married, she packed on quite a few pounds (whether via eating, breeding or cosmetic breast and jowl enhancing). They have a daughter named Karson or Karsten or something. Kirsten says she hopes the child grows up just like her so her man has to deal with two of her. You’ll see her on Toddlers & Tiaras in 5, 4, 3 …

• Bridezilla Tricia, they show her in the gym, thus proving gyms are ineffective. We already know what happened here thanks to her having tweeted about her divorce since this was aired. Score one for independent Bridezillas journalism!

• Bridezilla Porsha is likely double the size that Jame Gumb seeks.

Bridezilla Megan‘s husband is such a pussy that he doesn’t hang out with his friends anymore out of deference to his 3.5/10 captor.

• Bridezilla Kym is still married to a guy whose last name she doesn’t like and got knocked up after a couple bottle of wedding-night wine. The loving parents look like this:

Bridezilla Brittany, whose misshapen head couldn’t read her own vows at the altar, got served with divorce papers within six months.

• I thank the Lord Almighty that I wasn’t subjected to Bridezilla Danika’s previous appearances.

• When Bridezilla Nicole and her man Mike showed up on my screen, I wrote “DON’T GO THROUGH WITH IT MIKE!!! YOU STILL HAVE A CHANCE! RUN!!!!!!!!” But, fool that he is, Mike didn’t word heed. At first. Because four months later, MIKE FILED FOR DIVORCE!!!!!!! Moral of that story: Shame they don’t let me tweet about these shows pre-nuptials.

See you next season of Bridezillas.

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