12 Stream-Of-Consciousness Thoughts About The Premiere Of ‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’

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The time is upon us when Honey Boo Boo Child, that precocious, redneckian, hopped-up-on-sugar-and-Mountain-Dew pageant contestant gets a show for her and her kin on TLC. What follows is my stream-of-consciousness reactions to said premiere.

• Right off the bat, Honey Boo Boo Child’s mom sets the stage that Honey Boo Boo Child has never won a Grand Supreme Title. Ergo, I feel that this season will be a Rocky I ride to the top of a given field, thanks to a lucky break along the way, but that the ultimate goal will not be reached. However, that does NOT mean that important life lessons will go unlearned.

• HBBC has three sisters. Pumpkin is 12; she’s “the craziest.” Chickadee is 17; she’s “the pregnantedest.” Chubbs is 15; I couldn’t understand what HBBC said to describe her. Apparently, they smell like “hairspray and desperation.” Well, not Chickadee. She already done got that seed in’er.

• HBBC’s mama is 32. She’s one of those weird mixes between Rocky Dennis and the mother from What’s Eating Gilbert Grape. Also, she doesn’t even bother trying to pronounce testosterone properly.

• They like to be themselves and don’t care what you think. This is odd considering their entire essence is based on what pageant judges think of HBBC.

• They wash their hair in the sink. This is because of a philosophy that holds bathing is the equivalent of “sitting in your own filth,” says Mama. I’m rather certain that if pigthought could be spoken aloud, this is what we peoplefolk’d hear.

• We’re shown the Redneck Games in Georgia. They show a black guy holding a confederate flag to, you know, say we’re not all raycess. Mama say there’s some “brokedown people,” including those of a “voluptuous size” whom display vagiggle jaggle that is not, in her words, “beautimous.” They cut to a 600-pounder dancing with a guy with a flame thrower. I did not make this bulletpoint up.

• OH DEAR GOD THERE’S A CONTEST WHERE PEOPLE HAVE TO STICK THEIR HEAD IN A TUB OF WATER TO GIT THEIR TEETH SUNK INTO A RAW PIG’S FOOT TO GIT THE MOST OUT OF THE WATER. AND, PUMPKIN’S IN IT AND MAMA HOPE SHE DON’T GIT SICK.

• There’s a serene scene of people playing in and around a river. There’s a sign by the river which states “it has been reported that the Oconee River contains high levels of bacteria which is harmful to humans.” This sign explains pretty much everything about how Honey Boo Boo Child ended up where she ended up.
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• The show then devolves into showing the ladies of the house shoving any morsel of food they can get their hands on into their mouths. It’s, like, steady eating. 100 calories a syllable.

• Pumpkin or Chubette weighs in at 175. The scale can’t register a weight for Mama. Pumpkin calls her “enormous.” Says HBBC, “My mama weighs the most in my family because she’s fat. Truth.” Mama say she wants to lose 100 pounds to regain some of that head-turnin’ ability.

• 25 minutes in and we see a pageant. But, it’s not a real pageant. It’s a practice pageant. Well, that’s what they say. Here’s what it looks like: An ugly and/or fat kid everybody-gets-a-trophy divert-attention-from-life’s-sad-realities ego reacharound. HBBC got shutout, so it totally friggin’ backfired. How can they do that to that kid?!?

• America will rally around HBBC. Then, Seal Team Six will descend upon that unhygienic disease bin and pluck her right off the path toward amputation from the sugars.

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